Life After Prelims

So I passed. Cue great rejoicing. Although really, all I felt at the time was this distant, unreal sense that it was over and that no one would make me do it again. But I'm thawing out and waking up now, in part simply due to the passage of time but also through my slow reintegration into the world of the living. Here's a brief look at some of the things I've done since Wednesday afternoon that I probably could not have done before:

* Had friends over to hang out and drink wine.
* Put in contact lenses to teach. (My students were adorably/annoyingly confused by this change - "can you just like, not see, or are you wearing contacts?")
* Happy hour and last-minute dinner with fellow comp/rhet-ers
* Spoken to my immediate family on the phone 5+ times.
* Spent the night somewhere other than my own apartment.
* Made an extensive set of playlists for things like Singing Along, Rediscovering Classics, and Rocking Out.
* Cleaning. Hours of cleaning. Totally overhauled my room and brought the bathroom back from the brink of alarming. Words cannot express the catharsis.
* Had a major singalong while doing aforementioned cleaning.
* Began constructing a list of my favorite Community episodes. (Harder than one might think!)
* Big celebratory dinner out with friends and drinks and delightfulness

And that's not even touching all the things I did in the two weeks between passing in and the defense that I could not have done before finishing the essays. It's been a really...expansive few weeks. I'm reclaiming my life, my time, my priorities, and it's still unclear how they'll be redistributed. But I'm not to worried. I am so much more alert to what and who is around me, so much more able to reach in and put a hand on the core of myself...I don't know. I can't quite explain it. It's like before, I couldn't contextualize anything that happened to me in the personal realm with any depth or accuracy. I had truisms and gut reactions, but that was about it. And now I once again have intuition, hindsight, educated speculation, and confidence with which to assess events.

Confidence. God, I've missed you. Confidence isn't even the right word exactly. It's...the sense of myself. The knowledge I've built over 27+ years of who I am and what I can (and can't) do. What I'll always be and what could change over time. It's similar to what I felt on my road trip summer of 2010, just in a lower-key and less dramatically exciting vein - that slow realization that everything I was before is still there if I reach for it. I can't head off on a major adventure now like I did then, sadly - but it seems like I'll find other ways to accomplish the same kind of breaking with status quo that may be just as effective. Things to collide with that highlight the rest of me, the parts that have been in cold storage for the past 5 months. I love new people and new situations. I am energized by the right kind of challenge to my non-academic abiities. I am not as uptight and old and inexorably set on the path to traditional middle-class academic life as I might sometimes feel or fear.

I'm still the same as I've always been. If anything I'm better - just out of practice. I can have what I want. I can surprise myself. I can be the friend/daughter/sister/niece I want to be. And I can win battles no one's even expecting me to fight in.

But bottom line: I'm alive again. And it's going to be awesome.

The Big D

Defense is tomorrow at 1pm. I actually...can't wait. Well I mean, I can - still gotta type up an opener and some ref notes. But I'm ready for this. Bring it.
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And now, for the record's sake, my paraphrasings of the questions I was sent as prep:

* What role do binaries play in my own answers (V/V, Acad/public, lit/oral, theo/prac, etc)? BC dude girl, you talked about them a lot.
* What's the value of imbalance? How would I reply to challenge that rhet/ped/etc are most "generative" when out of balance?
* Why "Contemporary Writing" as a term/label?
* Is print comp conservative by nature?
* What's up with Design as rhetorical?

Things I've written in my prelims essays:

- On how abstraction facilitates comparisons between systems of discourse: "It allows the comparing of apples to apples, without the confusion of having to account for whether they came from pie or sauce."
- On Anne Wysocki's reference to a major literacy studies scholar: "The shout-out to that legacy is particularly loud in her essay."
- Working title of my third section: "Modern Playout: The (Rhetorical) Voyage Home
- On examples of pure persuasion-based rhetorical acts: "Hipster culture is another example, based in persuading outsiders of the superiority of their fashions and tastes and disdaining those fashions and practices at which that persuasion becomes too successful." (Footnote to this sentence: "Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue? A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.")

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Adventures in Analogies

Being pleased instead of upset when mistaken for younger than you are : growing up :: feeling creeping horror rather than pride/elation when you realize your paper is going to be much too long : becoming a grad student

Sigh.
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Two-year anniversary in the Kingdom today (this account - I'm pushing a decade in total). Two years of wasting dramatic amounts of time and a not-insignificant couple hundred bucks or so in pursuit of cultural references, line-drawing aesthetics and completionist joy.

Worth it. Totally worth it.

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Text I just received from Kyle: im going to start telling people i live on the kanye westside so it sounds cooler

Writing is slow today - can you tell? I'm not sure why...out of practice probably, which always sends me relapsing into bad habits. How can it take so much time to write a totally reasonable 25 pages of answer when I already know exactly what I want to say?? It's so irritating.

Time to read me some inspirational Elbow quotes (helpfully listed on a sticky on the inside cover that I drew up last time I was having this issue), make a plan of attack, drink some more of this smoothie for energy and rally up.
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11:20pm. I'm calling it. I don't feel like I have nearly enough pages to show for my day, but I do have some - 6 to be precise, plus a solid pre-version of maybe 2/3 of the next one. I'm starting to see where I'll have to make cuts and where I need to allow time for more significant reshaping of material from my initial draft. I'm also getting a sense of where I'll be spending my limited strong-claim capital and where I'll be dressing up lit review in new clothing.

Wow I'm cracked out and tired and hungry and verging on incapable of recalling basic vocabulary. I need to step awayyyyyy from the keyboard - or at least the act of typing words, especially ones related to my draft.

Adventures in Drafting (for 100 - to be clear)

It's a small thing, but it gave me a real sense of satisfaction to set up Thunderbird to send/receive emails for my E100 admin job. Despite my whole "digital writing = gist of my professional interests these days" thing I can be slow at updating software, adding new applications and programs to my daily routines, and other such tech-for-daily-living endeavors, so when I do take the time and initiative it feels good - and oddly empowering, especially when the directions fall a little short and I have to troubleshoot a little via instinct. I may not be a digital prodigy but damn it, I was brought up in a tech-friendly house and I am much more computer literate than I give myself credit for.

Spent an hour or so today doing my students' first writing assignment to use for all-class review tomorrow. It took more time than I expected even though I was pretty good about not revising as I went and just writing down what came to me - probably good to know in terms of assessing the workload I'm handing out. And it was enjoyable. The task was to "use your own life as evidence to research/explore a concept about writing." I chose the idea of writing as a means to an unknown end, and wrote about discovering that the reason I love writing in a journal/blog is because of the occasional yet amazing moment when you write your way into a truth or realization about yourself, the world, whatever, that you didn't have before.

But perhaps most interesting about the process was how heavily audience and rhetorical context shaped what I wrote. As instructors we're always lamenting that our students write for us, wishing they'd write for a wider, more specific and realistic audience - or even just write what they truly think. But it's kind of impossible not to consider audience, even when (as in this case) it's a piece that's supposed to seem written for a different imaginary audience (an instructor) than its actual one (my class). It wasn't even conscious (though vaguely so at times). But I wrote a very different essay than I'd have written for myself, or even for a 201 class. There are obvious sides to this - for example, I plan to tell them I wrote it at the end of class and so it can't reveal anything too personal or too authority-compromising. But more subtle ones too - I chose a different voice than I probably would have otherwise, wrote with a different sentence flow (lots of creative-runons, mounting clauses, etc). And then since it was for an all-class review, to model the idea of their first workshop Tuesday, I used a structure and a selection of points that doesn't fit as neatly, doesn't all seem totally relevant, to give them plenty of traction. I wasn't deliberately making it bad, by any means - just steering my SOCish writing away from connecting up points and towards making new ones. And such.

Anyhow, it was fun and interesting and a great way of putting off prelims for another few hours. Which I have *got* to stop doing.

Semester's going pretty well so far (aside from the "not enough prelims time" issue). Still enjoying being back on a schedule. Appreciating the arrival of fall (though it's accelerating a bit fast this week - don't rush it, Weather, it's officially summer still til the 22nd). Hoping to pick up some social slack and starting seeing people more regularly before long.

It could be a good term. I'm optimistic.

First weekend back in the game

Ten years ago today I walked into homeroom after Senior Assembly just in time to see the second tower fall. My memory of the scene is incredibly vivid - particularly Mr. Raymond watching, how he was standing, his complete fixation yet lack of visible outward emotional sign. (This incredibly vivid visual recall of the moment of realization is something I know is incredibly common, and is one of the things that fascinates me most about 9/11 from a public memory perspective - that despite the incredible attention paid in academic work to the visual impact of media images, for me and many others the most vivid and personally "iconic" image of the event is relatively banal.) I remember seeing the first crash on TV while in Bio and laughing, everyone thinking it must be some stupid lost pilot in a Cessna. I remember wanting to feel it more deeply/seriously than I did, but really just reacting to the drama. How little I knew. How young I was.
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I'm reading through my long rambly draft of my prelims question to prepare for my meeting with Christa tomorrow, and it's actually kind of encouraging. I had been dreading it, but it turns out there's really a lot of good stuff here. And it reminds me that I often am capable of being a pretty damn good writer. Which in a time where I'm feeling pretty insecure about my ability to finish this shit and pass, is a welcome feeling.

It was a remarkably full/eventful weekend. [Aside - I have *got* to kick this habit I've fallen into of using slashes rather than making relatively simple word choices. It started in late spring in an effort to facilitate faster drafting, but it's gotten out of control.] I did a very respectable amount of work while also having two major social nights (each of a very different flavor to boot). After an August of the same monotone lethargy-tinged shit over and over day in and day out this is a nice change, but also an adjustment. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow starts another whole week full of activity, obligations and social potential. But while it's a change it's one I welcome. I'm tired, sure. But I'm alive again. The rhythm of the semester is cutting through the paralyzing influence of anxiety and grief - and for that I'm thankful.

Even if such liveliness, both personally and professionally, can sometimes be a pain in the ass..

It's like spotting a mythical beast

The feeling that comes from slowly but surely gaining from my prelims a picture of the evolution of my discipline and the threads within it is really a wonderful one. If only that characterized the process (which is not so far-fetched given than it's, you know, the whole point of the thing) rather than panic, mental strain and isolation.

Some Thoughts from A Really Scattered Weekend

- The girl two machines in front of me at the gym today had a ridiculously nice ass. Like the Platonic ideal of what a white girl's ass should be. To quote Ron Burdgandy, I wasn't even mad, just impressed. I was tempted to tap her on the shoulder and ask what her strength routine is but I decided in time that that was kiiiind of creepy so I abstained.

- Big shout-out to Dmitri for drunkenly hassling me about learning and using the multi-touch shortcuts on my new computer. Because man, they are amazing. It's not quite as "how did I live without this?" as when I first switched to a Mac and learned about keyboard shortcuts, but it's definitely increased the ease with which I navigate documents, especially in terms of web surfing and reading long articles. It's a good reminder to me not to be a secret Luddite who never upgrades her software because learning about all the "improvements" is too much of a pain. Turns out calling them "improvements" is not merely a scam to make you reboot - software upgrades are useful! (See also: my giving numerous students higher grades on presentations because I didn't realize that the reason their powerpoints looked so much better than mine was because they were using a version that didn't predate the Bush administration.)

Also - considering how much money I didn't have I paid for this thing, it only makes sense to get as much out of it as possible.

- Holy crap my back is sore. (Doo-dah, doo-dah...) 

- After a successful (almost too much so) day at the mall with Marshelle and Jessie, I realize the reason I feel like all my clothes are boring and plain is not in fact because it's hard to find any other kind these days, but merely because I almost never go shopping anymore (and when I do, for the past year or so it's pretty much exclusively been at Target).

- I've been starting to think that the question of whether or not a given dude has any potential traction as someone who'd fit well with me (and vice versa, of course) is not in fact as difficult to shed light on as I've been feeling it is for the past year or so - but simply a matter of asking myself if I could imagine him working at a Tarsa family Christmas. Not necessarily instantly fitting in like one born to the role (I'm looking at you, Tom Harper) - just that the idea of them there doesn't make me wince in discomfort. I feel like much wasted time in my romantic history could have been avoided if I had realized this earlier on. But then - such is youth.

- Writing that last point started off being about dudes but definitely ended up being about my family. And has made me realize that I really miss them. I think a lot of my distance from them over the past year or so is more a defense mechanism than anything else. I can't see any of them more than a few times a year at this stage in my life. There's nothing I can do about that. I was brought up to value opportunity over geographical fidelity, and my life to date reflects that. But damn - sometimes I wish that was not among the family values (especially the ones I got an extra-large dose of as the oldest) and we'd all settled down within an easy drive of home. (Which would still be in New Hampshire in this fantasy, btw.)

- This weekend has completely fucked my sleep cycle and is threatening to set off my anxiety issues about falling asleep. Joy. Hopefully I can drag myself out of bed early enough tomorrow to start repairing the damage. 

- Some really great, productive reading and thinking for my prelims question this weekend - somehow, between the not sleeping and the staying out too late and the shopping excursions. Looking at a few theoretical approaches to the word vs image question in regards to meaning-making and then finishing with what amounted to a practical-minded and applied consideration of the same issue by Edward Tufte (whose Beautiful Evidence I am 100% assigning next time I teach 201) was incredibly useful. It highlighted the benefits and shortcomings of both theoretical and practical approaches to the question (and all questions, I guess) - both from a scholarly standpoint and a pedagogical one. 

And less convolutedly - if you're looking for a good starting point for thinking about how to begin bringing multimodal work into your teaching (or your own writing), this is a really great book to check out. It's by no means perfect -  its focus on quantitative content doesn't always result in a clean map onto Humanities writing, and he's kind of a jackass at many points. But by jettisoning all the anxiety about the word-vs-image hierarchy and simply asking "how can we use the visual to present evidence in as effective and beautiful a way as possible?", he's able to come up with some truly incredible ideas and illustrations of them.

I've got 99 work-related tasks but finishing my prelims list ain't one

Because that shit is D-U-N done. Just gotta meet with Christa to get the official okay on sending it out to be approved at the meeting this Friday. Feels good. Now I just have to track everything on it down - which, counted individually, would probably put my task count actually at or over 99. But such an itemization would still not include any bitches, so I feel the allusion stands.

Thoughts while working

April 7th
- Wow my back hurts. Words cannot express how much I regret missing that Groupon for the massage place across from the Coop.

- A student today reaffirmed my recently slipping belief that the vast majority of students see anything below a B as an actively bad grade, which makes me feel better about my grading this year. I've been trying to toughen up my standards but I still sometimes worry I'm too lax - but if it is in fact true that most of them are upset at receiving a C (rather than indifferent with a splash of "darn," as I'd been starting to think), then my usual spread of a few in the 90-95 range, a few in the 72-78 range, and the rest in between puts my course about where I'd want it to be in terms of difficulty and standards. Not that every assignment every semester plays out in that range, of course. But the point is - I'm much less afraid now that I'm either too hard or too easy.

- I'm loving this weather. Is spring finally here??

April 18

- HOW did it take me this long to start using Zotero?? While I don't quite have the hang of how best to use it yet I can already tell it's going to save me a lot of time. That is, unless I become unreasonably anal about how everything is organized and waste hours arranging things for no reason aside from my own neurosis.

- My search for prelims readings just turned up an article entitled "Review Essay - The Internet."

- ...wow. So the Council of Writing Program Administrators just put me through literally 10 attempts at making up a password secure enough to be deemed worthy of defending my WPA conference submission form and the like - strictest most annoying standards for a password I've ever encountered in a civilian context. And then when I finally found one and finished registering, they promptly sent me an unencrypted email containing my new super-secure password plainly written out. Amazing.