Lucky Guy

Turns out Dexter is a much better fit for my current mood than Community, funny as that show may be. See, Community is too relatable and too alarming - too many jokes about Britta being old, the charms of sexual tension, the joy of a life where getting a D in Spanish is your biggest concern. Dexter though - it works. It's unrealistic in just the right way, takes place in a setting I've visited but never known, and revolves around a dude with no feelings - exactly the quality in which I desire lessons! I tip my hat to you, Showtime. Way to come through.

Well this is surprising

I'm proud of myself.

This isn't something I find myself noticing all that often anyhow, but the fact that I'm feeling that despite having spent most of yesterday eating three days' worth of food while watching 20 episodes of Community is especially surprising. (And I wish I was exaggerating either of those numbers, but I am sadly not.)

I'm not doing perfectly. I still sleep too much, watch too much TV, drink too much, don't read enough for class, never cook. And that all gets me down a lot, because I know I'm capable of doing better than I have been. I can take better care of myself, work harder, make more adult decisions (in quality and quantity). And that's all still true now, at the end of this week.

But things are looking up all the same. I worked out twice, I started really thinking about final papers, I went and talked to someone about my teaching insecurities, I drank less. And I made an very difficult decision about my personal life and stuck to it - even under duress. I also mailed back an RSVP card the day I got it. That's big.

What I need to remember is that I'll never be doing everything perfectly. So what's important to notice is the improvements I *am* making, the good things I find ways to do anyhow. People close to me have been telling me this for a few years now, but I'm starting to believe that I really can frequently be too hard on myself. But it's important to give myself credit for the things I accomplish, however small - because if not, that's how I end up believing I can't do anything.

I actually had a nightmare the other night about this - in which I had a paper rejected from an undergraduate research symposium on picture books and fled weeping into MBD's office pleading for affirmation that I wasn't in fact just an experiment in - and this is 100% true - "the restorative power of rhetoric." The "nightmare" part is clearly just how mortifying it was that I had done this at all, since it was one of those dreams that felt suuuuuuper real. Ugh.

So. Yes. I need to be less negative about myself and remember I'm not entirely a weak-willed fuck-up with no work ethic. I can make changes, I can have good ideas, I can be strong enough to stand up for what's best for me.

And I can eat like "a fat girl trapped in a thin girl's body" as Justin famously put it, and I can appreciate the genius of Community. (Even if I sometimes wish a little too deeply that my life looked more like that - god, so much cleanly resolved drama! And so much entertaining sexual tension! It's like my dream world, except in Colorado and...well, at community college. But who knows - with this market, I'll be lucky for Prof. Slater's job.)

Thoughts from today

1. The clock turned to 9:00 just as I looked up at it to see if I needed to go to the liquor store. God damn Madison and their stupid laws.

2. I went to the gym today! (This was #1 until the wine thing. Friggin' A.) I'm genuinely proud of myself. I've been saying I'll go practically every single day for weeks now, but last night I was like "...alright, you can do better than this, Becca." And so I went. Even though I almost had a panic attack in the locker room because I'm getting anxious about my own work and my students are crushing my spirit in every way and I  hadn't worked out in ages and was scared I'd be shockingly weak. And as pretty much anyone including myself could have told me, it was great. I'm not even as criminally out of shape as I thought. So Imma try and make that a thing. Going again tomorrow...

3. As mentioned above, teaching is kiiiiind of killing me lately. I feel like I've spent a quarter of my waking hours this semester commenting on papers, I've genuinely spent hours and hours planning and preparing for this class - but lately it's just...not good. There's a few kids who just are clearly not taking the class seriously, a lot of them aren't reading, and this week I just...couldn't think of what to do about it, let alone what to do *with* them in class. Sigh. I just emailed their grades on the first paper back though, and I suspect that the attitudes of some of them will change fairly quickly. Surprise! Just because I said I'm always willing to work with you because I want you all to do well does not mean I'm going to give you an A for slapping five new sentences in your draft and calling it a revision - especially since 3 of them are run-ons. Sheesh. I know I'm chill in class, but come on.

4. As a result of #3, I'm not commenting on any of their (new) drafts tonight. I can't handle any more right now. I need them done by Monday night, but that's doable even so. So soon I will call it a night and attempt to pretend the beers in my fridge are something other than Pabst. Pabst Light. (Stupid, stupid Madsion...)

5.  My cats are particularly awesome lately. They often cuddle, but lately it's just been a whole new level of affectionate adorableness. And I was incredibly pleased by all the attention they got at my party last weekend - especially from AK, who validated me in a huge way by saying that Polo smells particularly good for a cat. Though I'm less charmed by Penny's new habit of opening and closing the cabinets loudly in the middle of the night. We've been Scotch-taping them so far but that's not a viable long-term solution, so I'm going to have to go around and screw child locks into them all at some point. Because I've just got SO much time on my hands that I needed another home improvement project.

6. I still need stuff on my bedroom walls in a major way. I bought some frames cheap at Target to work on the problem, but the major issue - above my bed - remains unresolved.  And I'm not happy with the furniture layout yet either. The bed's new spot is good, but now I think I need another night table to create some symmetry. And another lamp for it. The windows also need at least a basic white curtain. I'm still not sure how best to do it with the three of them together, but I'm leaning towards a basic valance and two extra-long white tie-back panels. When this will all happen I have no idea, but it's a semi-priority...I don't like not liking my bedroom. At least 2/3 need to get done this term.

7. Community is hilarious. I'm working through season 1 and I'm so hooked. I find it strangely realistic for something so over-the-top...taken alone, all the characters are eerily plausible. Except Senor Chang. And the dean.

8. Going to NH for Thanksgiving! I'll be gone a few days longer than is responsible, but I haven't had a Thanksgiving with the entire family in a long time, so I'm excited.

9. I think at this point I have to just accept and embrace the fact that there's something about Brandon Flowers that I am powerless to resist. Or his voice and general musical aesthetic, anyhow. His solo album? Couldn't tell you if it's actually any good. Don't have any favorite tracks so far, after 4-5 listens while working. But I know I don't not like it.

10. I still need to buy those damn Ben Folds tix

Back in Business

So I'm currently sitting at my brand spanking new (and oh so artfully assembled) desk, eating pineapple out of the can with a side of tortilla chips, a glass of wine at my side, taking a break from commenting on my first round of student papers. And you know what? It feels kind of good. Sure I'm behind and have tons to do, but...I know how to do this. And I know what needs to be done.

I am so incredibly pleased to have a desk again finally - and a desk that makes me happy no less. I haven't had a chance to organize it or anything, but it's still nice. Ideally it'd have more drawers, but since I've got a mostly empty bookshelf right next to it, I should be able to improvise something. While I might have been able to find something cheaper, it would have meant waiting still longer to get one, and as a person who does 75% of her work at home, I couldn't wait. Plus even though this one isn't exactly my Platonic ideal of a desk, it's attractive and new and feels good to me. Danny Sexton once justified spending some huge amount on bed linens (which makes him sound hilariously unlike the guy he in fact is) by telling me that since you spend 1/3 of your day in bed, it's somewhere you should really love being. Though I still haven't bought those $400 sheets, I have always remembered that, and it definitely guided me in my decision to splurge a little and get something new. (The fact that at 26 a low-end IKEA desk is still a splurge is a lament for another post.)

But yeah. I still have some unpacking/organizing to do in the study, but having a workspace at home that I like being in is really nice. I've even got a sweet nickle-plated Pixar lamp (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/60146764) to make me look extra-legit. So in six weeks or so when 90% of my time is split between seminar rooms and this study, I'll at least be comfortable, well-lit and trendy.

So...maybe I'd like this to be 1/15th of the male population's Bible

Oh Don Draper. Even though you're violently antitype as well as antihero,  I still kind of want to go on a bad date with you.

Though I mean, any fool could do it, right?

Also, as stated on Facebook, steps one and two - and hell, maybe also three and four - apply equally well to performing in grad seminars.

----

In other news - not to jinx things, but I'm feeling shockingly stable and decisive about both my personal and professional life. Which is remarkable considering it's been years since both were at such stages of upheaval. True, this is largely because I had no professional like until I came to UW and therefore have never before articulated a connection between them in this fashion, but still. Let me bask in my moment. Lord knows all I'll have to bask in for the next 9 months is Brad's loving displeasure about my inevitable failings as an employee and the warmth of knowing that I put myself a year behind to join a field I'm slightly better at but understand vaguely if at all.

...this post just became the definition of taking what you can get. But even so - I got unmistakeably angry up in someone's grill this week. In BeccaLand, that's a gold star no matter how you cut it.

Plus, Adam comes tomorrow. So even if I could hardly call it the best week ever, it's had a lot going for it.



...and despite some guilt about not working much for school yesterday or today, I find I feel something very close to happiness. For reasons I created myself. Plus the realization I have some sweet friends.

It's a wonderful life, girl. You might even end up a Capra film with the last scene intact.*

 

*Incalculable Becca points if you know the reference and are not also Jamie Anderson.

Not Martha yet, but...baby steps, baby steps

So not to jinx it, but I think I've become a neat person.

Even though I've been trending this way for a few years now - really since graduation - it still kind of shocks me to realize this. But yesterday evening as I tidied away a camera, a camera cord, a box of crayons and a coloring book because they were "cluttering up" my living room, it hit me that I've been regular and persistent about keeping my living space very tidy for four straight months now. It's beyond habit - it's just how I've become. If my house is not clean, I can't deal.

Now, this is not to say I'm a clean freak. With my cats and my schedule, that is still unattainable. But I feel I now can honestly say I Live Like a Grown-Up. I don't think everyone has "cleans house regularly and does not tolerate clutter" as a large part of that designation, nor do I think everyone should. But I grew up in a messy (and admittedly comfortable and much-loved) house, and even though I was the laziest and worst child ever at helping with cleaning it, it did leave a mark on me in some way. I think because I felt guilty about not cleaning I've made the act part of my definition of responsibility - if I'm responsible for myself and doing it well, my house should be clean.

We'll see how this goes when school starts. But I'm optimistic. It makes me feel good, damn it, to clean everything and then enjoy my nice apartment. And I love where I live, so that helps too.

Will I next conquer my incredible inability to remain organized? Stay tuned...

Movin' On Up...

So the vacation of 1135 is in full swing now, and while it's just as annoying a task as ever, I've reached the point where I'm not really stressed about it anymore. 90% of my stuff is packed, I can see I have enough boxes, half Andy's books are moved to his new place...basically the way ahead is pretty clear, and I feel confident we'll finish in plenty of time. (Well - that we'll finish in time. Plenty might be pushing it.)

Now the only thing really dragging on me is Saturday. Up at 7:30 to pick up truck, having to drive and park a 16' truck on Madison's tiny streets, moving Renee out and in, moving anything left of Andy's out and in, moving the few things of Gwen's left out and wherever, moving my stuff out, finding a place to stash the truck overnight, finishing the (likely significant) cleaning remaining over here, and getting to sleep in time to not wake up a half-dead shell of a person so that I can finish this horrible process by moving in to the new place. Also - moving Polo. Bah. (Though Virginia is awesome and has offered me use of her second bedroom to house them for the night, bless her.)

I had my big Sad Moment about the move when I got home last night...walking in to this torn-apart chaos storm and realizing that no, I don't really live here anymore. I had a great, great year in this apartment. I loved it, put so much work into it with Andy, loved being here so much I basically became a shut-in, brought the cats home here for the first time, threw my first surprise party, had my first custom curtains made up for it...I loved it, and I'm sad to go. The new place is going to be great, no doubt, but it's not home yet, and this was. It's definitely not all bitter though - living here showed me I can in fact live like a (quasi-)adult, and hammered home even further how much happier I am when I live somewhere I like.

So onward - to a new neighborhood, new roommate, new place. Without the memories, it's true...but with amenities I thought I'd only see after tenure, the Weary and loads of awesome people just around the corner, and with all sorts of new decorating possibilities.

It's time.