So I'm in Memorial and I SWEAR I am going to get lots done, but I wanted to write that, in reviewing Stickies from various meetings with professors lately (I am a huge Stickies devotee), I came across the following notes (from different sessions, but the same ideas):
- "I need to start listening more in this class, huh? Oops."
- "awkward. he's so, so awkward."
- "shit, the press is on now."
- "you have no idea what you just said, do you?" (directed at self)
- "fuck. fuck fuck."
- "didn't I already explain that? *kills self*"
- "*kills self*"
- "*stabs self in face*"
- "Why am I not a cocktail waitress instead?"
Yeah. Just a little insight into the kinds of things I think when I'm conferencing with the great minds that are my professors.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
"...and I marvel at how this moment creates that miracle."
I need to go back to reading about genocide in Rwanda and then go to bed so I can bang out hundreds of things tomorrow, but a few thoughts first.
Exactly a year ago right now my first visit to Oxford was coming to an end. While I could never have predicted then where I would be now, I can honestly say that visit is pretty much the reason I am here. At the time I was toying with calling it "life-changing," but that phrase is so cliche...everything I do changes my life, you know? I apparently ate a shit tone of junk food this semester and it's changed my life by turning me into a fat lump. So the term is flawed. But if I hadn't visited Jamie - and moreover, if I hadn't visited her then, over Toussaint - many significant things would have been different. I would not have learned several important (and not necessarily great) truths about the inner workings of my mind. I would not have seen Jamie in full 20s attire.
And I would not be in Madison right now. I think eventually I was bound to come to graduate school...it's like old people and Florida, it just pulls you in if you've got the slightest desire to go there. Or for me it would have been. But because I went to Oxford and remembered how good I felt when I was engaged in my love affair with literature back in Battelle (and admittedly fell in love with Oxford as well), I snuck my applications in just in time, was accepted, and decided on Wisconsin. And while the sight of my to-do list for tomorrow almost makes me question whether or not this is a good thing, mostly I'm sure it was.
So that's what it comes down to. Despite two decades of voracious reading, many supportive and wonderful educators, a natural inability to be interested in anything but books and essays about them, and my inexplicable attraction to the letters "PhD," the fact is that if, about oh, 368 days ago, I hadn't been sprinting through a cow pasture in rural France with sweat flying off me and my luggage clutched desperately to my chest, trying to make my flight to Stansted, I would not be a grad student.
Is this moment a miracle? No. But it will be if I someday get those letters.
Exactly a year ago right now my first visit to Oxford was coming to an end. While I could never have predicted then where I would be now, I can honestly say that visit is pretty much the reason I am here. At the time I was toying with calling it "life-changing," but that phrase is so cliche...everything I do changes my life, you know? I apparently ate a shit tone of junk food this semester and it's changed my life by turning me into a fat lump. So the term is flawed. But if I hadn't visited Jamie - and moreover, if I hadn't visited her then, over Toussaint - many significant things would have been different. I would not have learned several important (and not necessarily great) truths about the inner workings of my mind. I would not have seen Jamie in full 20s attire.
And I would not be in Madison right now. I think eventually I was bound to come to graduate school...it's like old people and Florida, it just pulls you in if you've got the slightest desire to go there. Or for me it would have been. But because I went to Oxford and remembered how good I felt when I was engaged in my love affair with literature back in Battelle (and admittedly fell in love with Oxford as well), I snuck my applications in just in time, was accepted, and decided on Wisconsin. And while the sight of my to-do list for tomorrow almost makes me question whether or not this is a good thing, mostly I'm sure it was.
So that's what it comes down to. Despite two decades of voracious reading, many supportive and wonderful educators, a natural inability to be interested in anything but books and essays about them, and my inexplicable attraction to the letters "PhD," the fact is that if, about oh, 368 days ago, I hadn't been sprinting through a cow pasture in rural France with sweat flying off me and my luggage clutched desperately to my chest, trying to make my flight to Stansted, I would not be a grad student.
Is this moment a miracle? No. But it will be if I someday get those letters.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wait...it's not over yet?
So life goes on.
My ridiculously ambitious goal of having two complete drafts before my trip to Oxford has of course fallen to bits, and I'll be lucky to have one half-draft and a solid outline. I like writing the papers when I have long chunks of time to devote to them, but right now...I just don't. Too many little assignments to worry about. I'm hoping I can bang out a bunch of pages in that last week leading up to the trip, since all the little stuff will be done and I can really focus on that.
This week has not been as productive as I'd like in the sense that I don't feel like I've taken a chunk out of the pile, but in reality I'm doing ok. And it's been a big week for...personal revelation, let's say. There have been three specific things, which I may not be able to verbalize well but which are all very interesting. For me, anyhow.
1) I made a big breakthrough on understanding my resistance to theory (which, ironically, is the title of the first theoretical article I read in grad school). It's a bit clumsy to explain, but essentially I realized that while I had accepted that people believe in theory, so I have to read it and demonstrate that I can see how it's expected to be used, I didn't really believe it could do any of the things it says it can. Like, to use the example that brought me to this conclusion, knowing intellectually that it must suck to live your entire life in the closet but never having actually *thought* about how people go through it, what it entailed, embraced the reality of what that would mean. It seems like a ridiculous comparison, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little on drugs when it occurred to me, but it remains interesting and helpful to my theoretical work.
2) Continuing the theoretical line of thought...I decided I believe in subjective truth. In certain kinds of cases. I'm not even going to try to describe how this came about.
3) I've become one of those annoying people who can only talk about their work. I have very little else to say currently...it hit me hard yesterday, when I had numerous conversations with non-grad students and found myself oddly silent when I wasn't talking about school. Last night I was watching an FotC episode in which Dave (who is Indian for those living in a comedy-free box) refers to Bret and Jermaine as "English," and I literally paused the show to ponder the postcolonial implications of a member of one ex-British colony calling white members of another ex-colony English. Not British mind you - English. I've lost any semblance of being a normal person.
Ben comes tomorrow. I'm *thrilled*. It gives me a good excuse to stop working for a bit, and hopefully do some things that needed to be done anyhow but are vaguely fun. These things would include buying a coat, going to the Kohl's sale and looking for furniture at St Vincent's. I'm sure he'll be so excited.
I bought a bar of Lindt 80% Dark the other day, and when I opened the cardboard wrapper and peeled back the very-thin silver foil, I had a Proustian moment. My mind actually got confused about whether I was standing in my own kitchen in Madison or my tiny kitchenette in Limoges. It made me miss France (and specifically Trimble) a lot. When I was bored to death and dragging myself through every day and being sick and tired of the same three bars, of *everything,* I knew inside that someday I'd miss all of it terribly, as hard as that was to believe at the time. Well, the moment is here. I miss everything. Not just France, the language, the wine...I miss everything. I miss being so relaxed it was stressful.
Along the same lines, I've been daydreaming a lot about vacation. My dreams about Thanksgiving and Christmas are very different, but just as appealing; when I think about Oxford I think of doing things and when I think of NC I think of not doing things. In Oxford I'm going to go to London, drink, see the sights, bike around, work on papers, go to pubs, make Thanksgiving dinner, have a fucking blast. Over Christmas I'm not going to work, not going to think about school, not going to leave the house for days if the mood strikes me, not going to work on anything. I can't wait for either. Seeing the Marauders, seeing the family, Strongbow, good wine I don't pay for, Pangos in the college bar, karaoke in the gay bar...it's going to be good.
Just got to make it there. Hard to believe the first one's three weeks from Saturday. Not sure if that's awesome or utterly terrifying.
My ridiculously ambitious goal of having two complete drafts before my trip to Oxford has of course fallen to bits, and I'll be lucky to have one half-draft and a solid outline. I like writing the papers when I have long chunks of time to devote to them, but right now...I just don't. Too many little assignments to worry about. I'm hoping I can bang out a bunch of pages in that last week leading up to the trip, since all the little stuff will be done and I can really focus on that.
This week has not been as productive as I'd like in the sense that I don't feel like I've taken a chunk out of the pile, but in reality I'm doing ok. And it's been a big week for...personal revelation, let's say. There have been three specific things, which I may not be able to verbalize well but which are all very interesting. For me, anyhow.
1) I made a big breakthrough on understanding my resistance to theory (which, ironically, is the title of the first theoretical article I read in grad school). It's a bit clumsy to explain, but essentially I realized that while I had accepted that people believe in theory, so I have to read it and demonstrate that I can see how it's expected to be used, I didn't really believe it could do any of the things it says it can. Like, to use the example that brought me to this conclusion, knowing intellectually that it must suck to live your entire life in the closet but never having actually *thought* about how people go through it, what it entailed, embraced the reality of what that would mean. It seems like a ridiculous comparison, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little on drugs when it occurred to me, but it remains interesting and helpful to my theoretical work.
2) Continuing the theoretical line of thought...I decided I believe in subjective truth. In certain kinds of cases. I'm not even going to try to describe how this came about.
3) I've become one of those annoying people who can only talk about their work. I have very little else to say currently...it hit me hard yesterday, when I had numerous conversations with non-grad students and found myself oddly silent when I wasn't talking about school. Last night I was watching an FotC episode in which Dave (who is Indian for those living in a comedy-free box) refers to Bret and Jermaine as "English," and I literally paused the show to ponder the postcolonial implications of a member of one ex-British colony calling white members of another ex-colony English. Not British mind you - English. I've lost any semblance of being a normal person.
Ben comes tomorrow. I'm *thrilled*. It gives me a good excuse to stop working for a bit, and hopefully do some things that needed to be done anyhow but are vaguely fun. These things would include buying a coat, going to the Kohl's sale and looking for furniture at St Vincent's. I'm sure he'll be so excited.
I bought a bar of Lindt 80% Dark the other day, and when I opened the cardboard wrapper and peeled back the very-thin silver foil, I had a Proustian moment. My mind actually got confused about whether I was standing in my own kitchen in Madison or my tiny kitchenette in Limoges. It made me miss France (and specifically Trimble) a lot. When I was bored to death and dragging myself through every day and being sick and tired of the same three bars, of *everything,* I knew inside that someday I'd miss all of it terribly, as hard as that was to believe at the time. Well, the moment is here. I miss everything. Not just France, the language, the wine...I miss everything. I miss being so relaxed it was stressful.
Along the same lines, I've been daydreaming a lot about vacation. My dreams about Thanksgiving and Christmas are very different, but just as appealing; when I think about Oxford I think of doing things and when I think of NC I think of not doing things. In Oxford I'm going to go to London, drink, see the sights, bike around, work on papers, go to pubs, make Thanksgiving dinner, have a fucking blast. Over Christmas I'm not going to work, not going to think about school, not going to leave the house for days if the mood strikes me, not going to work on anything. I can't wait for either. Seeing the Marauders, seeing the family, Strongbow, good wine I don't pay for, Pangos in the college bar, karaoke in the gay bar...it's going to be good.
Just got to make it there. Hard to believe the first one's three weeks from Saturday. Not sure if that's awesome or utterly terrifying.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Ways I Could Finance My Life
1) Write something better than this:
http://beta.bordersstores.com/online/store/ArticleView_lickoffrost
http://beta.bordersstores.com/online/store/ArticleView_lickoffrost
The Grad Student, in Helen C White, with the Incredibly Heavy Workload
That counts as a blunt object, right?
Oxford is mere weeks away, but it's cold comfort when you're staring down the barrel of four seminar papers, two presentations, two proposals, a short paper to edit and of course, reading.
Why am I updating my blog? Oh God, must return to editing.
Oxford is mere weeks away, but it's cold comfort when you're staring down the barrel of four seminar papers, two presentations, two proposals, a short paper to edit and of course, reading.
Why am I updating my blog? Oh God, must return to editing.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
And the Other Shoe Drops
Today I am not productive. All I want to do is go home, maybe take a nap, maybe take a nap in James Madison Park because it's so nice out, eat some cookies and generally relax. I'm forcing myself to sit in the library right now, but there's no way I can work on papers today. Reading is all I can manage, and even that's tough. I plan to read to page 55 of the book for my Comp review, which will make me 1/4 finished, then either read for MBD or go home. I had made big plans to write more seminar paper pages and edit for Festa, but I can't handle postcolonial shit today and I still haven't brought myself to look at the draft again since that meeting on Thursday.
So...reading. Then dinner, laundry, reading, Marshelle, bed. And maybe a lil' bonding session with Marissa in there too.
I wish I was smarter.
So...reading. Then dinner, laundry, reading, Marshelle, bed. And maybe a lil' bonding session with Marissa in there too.
I wish I was smarter.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Higher and Higher, We're Gonna Make It
Today I was *incredibly* productive. I went to the gym and had a great workout, I finished my presentation preparation, I completed a draft of my short paper for 18th Century that I feel pretty good about, and I reread all my notes for my 723 paper and drew up a clear, semi-extensive outline of how the paper will be organized and what points will go where. I also neatened by room up and visited Renee's new places. And it is only midnight. And I feel great!
If only every day could go like this.
If only every day could go like this.
Monday, October 15, 2007
All My Friends Say That Of Course It's Gonna Get Better, Gonna Get Better
I am refusing to waste time today (other then my 1 1/2 hours at the gym, of course), but I wanted to post briefly and say that...
A) Jessie and Kristiane's party was awesome. Jessie got adorably drunk, I got to dance without feeling (too) stupid because lots of other people danced too, and at the end of the night Renee was in my bed. It was pretty close to ideal.
B) It took me 6 hours to do my Festa presentation. Not including the two and a half hours it took me to initially read and take notes on the article. This does include the time I spent freaking out however. I'd probably still be freaking out and staring at a blank screen labeled "Wilson Handout" if it weren't for the help of two people. Jamie was *unbelievably* supportive and helpful, basically walking me through the article (which she'd read years before for her thesis) and, when I kept freaking out, actually feeding me bullet points at times. I feel like I should include a dedication on my final handout. Also deserving of a mention in the liner notes of my Island Race project is Eric, for talking to me in a really rational and helpful way and breaking through my shell of utter panic. Thanks guys.
C) I love eliptical machines and abs classes.
A) Jessie and Kristiane's party was awesome. Jessie got adorably drunk, I got to dance without feeling (too) stupid because lots of other people danced too, and at the end of the night Renee was in my bed. It was pretty close to ideal.
B) It took me 6 hours to do my Festa presentation. Not including the two and a half hours it took me to initially read and take notes on the article. This does include the time I spent freaking out however. I'd probably still be freaking out and staring at a blank screen labeled "Wilson Handout" if it weren't for the help of two people. Jamie was *unbelievably* supportive and helpful, basically walking me through the article (which she'd read years before for her thesis) and, when I kept freaking out, actually feeding me bullet points at times. I feel like I should include a dedication on my final handout. Also deserving of a mention in the liner notes of my Island Race project is Eric, for talking to me in a really rational and helpful way and breaking through my shell of utter panic. Thanks guys.
C) I love eliptical machines and abs classes.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
That Solo's Awful Long, But It's a Pretty Song
Today,
A) It was cold. While I'm glad to see the season make the full committment to turning, I'll be pretty pissed if we lost all our gorgeous 60-70 degree fall days to a week or so of freakishly warm 80 degree days. We'll see. Right now I'm suffering all my "fuck it's cold now" symptoms - cold feet that keep me from concentrating, hands that get icy as I type, the desire to eat heaps of pasta (resisting so far). And DON'T tell me how much worse it will get. I know this. Hell, I'm not even complaining right now. Just commenting on the fact that two days ago I was tanning in James Madison and now I am thinking I need to move my ass to the Winter Coat Store. (That exists, right?)
B) I did loads of reading. I think I read for longer today without significant break than I have in grad school to date. I accomplished a lot, and I feel pretty good. I even want to stay in and keep reading, and will probably read over another piece before going out. Will this last? Almost surely not. But...
C) I felt myself grow up a little bit. This sensation always freaks me out a little bit when it's very concious. I was walking towards the bus thinking about concepts of national identity in the 18th century, and it was like a bead on an abacus had been shifted from one side to another, and suddenly the sum was different, and I was different. I always think I'll get used to the feeling, but it's always a different bead, so it's always different. Maybe it'll go back to being an unconcious process one of these days.
A) It was cold. While I'm glad to see the season make the full committment to turning, I'll be pretty pissed if we lost all our gorgeous 60-70 degree fall days to a week or so of freakishly warm 80 degree days. We'll see. Right now I'm suffering all my "fuck it's cold now" symptoms - cold feet that keep me from concentrating, hands that get icy as I type, the desire to eat heaps of pasta (resisting so far). And DON'T tell me how much worse it will get. I know this. Hell, I'm not even complaining right now. Just commenting on the fact that two days ago I was tanning in James Madison and now I am thinking I need to move my ass to the Winter Coat Store. (That exists, right?)
B) I did loads of reading. I think I read for longer today without significant break than I have in grad school to date. I accomplished a lot, and I feel pretty good. I even want to stay in and keep reading, and will probably read over another piece before going out. Will this last? Almost surely not. But...
C) I felt myself grow up a little bit. This sensation always freaks me out a little bit when it's very concious. I was walking towards the bus thinking about concepts of national identity in the 18th century, and it was like a bead on an abacus had been shifted from one side to another, and suddenly the sum was different, and I was different. I always think I'll get used to the feeling, but it's always a different bead, so it's always different. Maybe it'll go back to being an unconcious process one of these days.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Anyone Got a Copy of "Hero and the Crown"?
I'm trying to remember that last line...also, I just really want to read the book again. And I'm now reading wiki pieces on Beverly Cleary books, none of which I have thought about in years aside from a vague "oh, Sarah Polley played Ramona once" when I saw Away From Her. And now I am fascinated, wondering about these books from the 50s would play to a modern audience.
Can't I just read a lot of children's books for 6 years and then be handed a PhD?
Can't I just read a lot of children's books for 6 years and then be handed a PhD?
Diamonds and Butlers
I just spent like, a good 15 minutes facebook stalking a friend from middle school/high school who I had kind of a falling-out with back in the day, and who I haven't spoken to in 5 or 6 years.
It's weird...to think about the people you knew, the people who grew up helping you through the hardest moments of being a kid, and now they're off being adults.
The internet allows me to keep tabs on people I really should know nothing about.
It's weird...to think about the people you knew, the people who grew up helping you through the hardest moments of being a kid, and now they're off being adults.
The internet allows me to keep tabs on people I really should know nothing about.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
723 Breakthroughs
Wow. I've been working nonstop on reading and just generally brainstorming for my 723 seminar paper, and it's pretty awesome. It's reminding me that I like doing this, that I have real literary interests even if I'm not taking classes in hardly any of them right now, and it's helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel that is this semester. Because I can write this paper. I can. I can probably start writing it this week, provided I judiciously skim (aka ignore some of) my reading for other classes.
And while I'm never going to be a theoretical machine, turns out that stuff gets much more interesting when you are thinking about it in conjunction with the literature itself. Who knew?
And while I'm never going to be a theoretical machine, turns out that stuff gets much more interesting when you are thinking about it in conjunction with the literature itself. Who knew?
Your Heart Won't Heal Right If You Keep Tearing Out the Sutures
...that about sums it up, really.
This weekend's been good. Nothing will recapture that feeling of newness and awe that I always seek to recapture when fall begins to creep in, but between the fondue party, the new plans for this summer, the early morning texts and the trip to the grocery store that give it all meaning, it could have been worse.
As I said tonight to a few people, it's like the 5 stages of grief lately, with school. And I think I'm almost at acceptance.
Nostalgia is the worst drug. It's addictive, unavoidable and the comedown is terrible.
And to reply to one commentator on tonight...there's t-shirts and t-shirts.
...I've had a few too many drinks to be posting. So we'll just end it here, before my thinly veiled comments begin parading about in the nude.
This weekend's been good. Nothing will recapture that feeling of newness and awe that I always seek to recapture when fall begins to creep in, but between the fondue party, the new plans for this summer, the early morning texts and the trip to the grocery store that give it all meaning, it could have been worse.
As I said tonight to a few people, it's like the 5 stages of grief lately, with school. And I think I'm almost at acceptance.
Nostalgia is the worst drug. It's addictive, unavoidable and the comedown is terrible.
And to reply to one commentator on tonight...there's t-shirts and t-shirts.
...I've had a few too many drinks to be posting. So we'll just end it here, before my thinly veiled comments begin parading about in the nude.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Wouldn't It Be Great...
...if the books I wanted for my 723 paper weren't all checked out?
I've been fiddling with the library webpage for awhile now, and I almost miss the (dare I say) convenience of having one central library at AU, out of which no one ever took any of the books I wanted. Sure it was hideous, poorly stocked and creepy, but hey. The books were there.
I'm just going to go gather up the few I was able to find that are in, and then call it a day. I had two insignificant insights into the structure of the paper, found a few books to start with and (kind of) figured out how the system works. Time to move on to the next annoying task: reading for Comp so I can post my response for the week.
This week went by incredibly fast. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.
I've been fiddling with the library webpage for awhile now, and I almost miss the (dare I say) convenience of having one central library at AU, out of which no one ever took any of the books I wanted. Sure it was hideous, poorly stocked and creepy, but hey. The books were there.
I'm just going to go gather up the few I was able to find that are in, and then call it a day. I had two insignificant insights into the structure of the paper, found a few books to start with and (kind of) figured out how the system works. Time to move on to the next annoying task: reading for Comp so I can post my response for the week.
This week went by incredibly fast. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.
Monday, October 1, 2007
You'll Be a Bitch Because You Can
I don't care if it makes me outdated and kills my indie cred (although I guess I didn't have much/any to start with), but I really, really like "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room." Yeah, not a great (or even good) album, but I love the song.
Today was not too bad. I felt less "WTF" and more "I guess I just fucking have to deal with this." These days that constitutes a significant improvement. MBD was pretty good, and it was great to have Marshelle back with us - even if I know she's missing Colt. Renee and I did two classes at the gym (both of which kicked my ass), and then after some tasty dinner I managed to write three pages of my four page Journal Review. They are terrible, and the fact that it's taken me 2 1/2 hours speaks to my lack of ability to focus, but at least I've written something for grad school. That's one milestone passed. Plus...no 723 this week!
Tomorrow I'm meeting with MDB to talk about my ghost of an idea for that paper, then working more on this paper before Festa. I also really need to go grocery shopping.
...this entry is incredibly boring. I apologize. Basically I just felt an ill-advised need to confess my love for John Mayer and then felt obligated to continue.
In conclusion...I should probably take four classes next term. Interpret it how you will.
Today was not too bad. I felt less "WTF" and more "I guess I just fucking have to deal with this." These days that constitutes a significant improvement. MBD was pretty good, and it was great to have Marshelle back with us - even if I know she's missing Colt. Renee and I did two classes at the gym (both of which kicked my ass), and then after some tasty dinner I managed to write three pages of my four page Journal Review. They are terrible, and the fact that it's taken me 2 1/2 hours speaks to my lack of ability to focus, but at least I've written something for grad school. That's one milestone passed. Plus...no 723 this week!
Tomorrow I'm meeting with MDB to talk about my ghost of an idea for that paper, then working more on this paper before Festa. I also really need to go grocery shopping.
...this entry is incredibly boring. I apologize. Basically I just felt an ill-advised need to confess my love for John Mayer and then felt obligated to continue.
In conclusion...I should probably take four classes next term. Interpret it how you will.
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