1) I want to be a nicer person. I used to be nice...I remember being really nice when I was in grade school, considerate and non-judgmental and less gossip-prone. Okay maybe not that last one. But I am pretty sure I used to be nicer, and I kind of hate it about myself that I'm not so much anymore. I wouldn't say I'm a mean person; it's not so strong a trait that it's defining. But I've grown snarky, snide and certainly more judging, and I don't like that. That's not what I wanted to be like when I was younger, it's something that just kind of crept up on me without my thinking about it. And I want to change. I expect it will be hard...turns out it's true what they say and that it's easier to slide down than climb up. Goodness knows I've learned this. But I think I can be nicer. It seems a small step.
2) I like being in grad school when I'm working hard on final papers for long stretches and have breakthroughs. I like being in grad school when I get assignments back with professorial praise on them. I like being in grad school when I feel like I performed well in class (which is almost never). I like being in grad school when I think about how, when I'm a professor, all I'll do is teach people about books and work really hard on papers for long stretches and have breakthroughs. I like grad school when it means I have a whole summer to play with kids and serve food (hopefully) and frolic with my friends. I like grad school when I see my friends. I like grad school when I can see the lake.
3) I don't like grad school when I have to work on final papers that I feel are deeply mediocre, and whose breakthroughs don't quite make it all the way through the wall. I don't like grad school when I have to present those deeply mediocre papers to my peers. I don't like grad school when I'm reminded of how incredibly bad I am at synthesizing theoretical concepts by listening to people be really good at doing just that. I don't like grad school when I realize what an incredible drawback my perpetual lack of ambition is in a field where drive is the difference between an 'A' on a paper and a paper that will eventually get published. I don't like grad school when it isolates me. I don't like grad school when I'm working frantically to produce papers I'm not ashamed to turn in while also dealing with emotionally draining personal drama. I don't like grad school when I think about how it means I can't move for 6 years.
4) I love Top Chef. I can't believe they sent both the lesbians home...seems like an odd production decision, since there could have been some good drama there. And Lisa really needs to go. I hate her.
5) I want to make cupcakes this week, but I don't have the ingredients, and I know if I go to the store there's no way I'll only buy what I need, and since I can't afford to go grocery shopping this week, they may have to wait. I think all I need is a baking bar for flavoring the frosting; while I haven't actually confirmed that with the recipe, I'm awash with eggs and butter, and the sugar/flour supply is going strong. So if some kind soul wants to buy me one, there's cupcakes in it for you. That is, if I ever see Renee again so I can get my pan back. :-)
6) I've been eating a bit less and working out more, and I feel better. Here's hoping this indicates a new leaf and not a fluke week.
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