The End of the Beginning

...I'm done. All four are in, for better or worse. I am finished.

Wow.

Not enough Synonyms!

Words I used too much in my 824 paper: mask, masquerade, disguise, retreat, reveal

Words I used too much in my 727 paper: atrocity, trauma, horror, reveal

Words I used to much in my 700 paper: TA, course, class, program, demonstrate, frustration

Words I am using too much in my 723 paper: children, colonial, relationship, tension, reveal.

Argh.

Only In Dreams

15 pages down on 723. I'm nowhere near done according to my original outline, but I think I'm going to cut out a whole bullet point in order to A) keep the paper confined to one book and B) avoid another 727 situation where the paper stretched into infinity. Odds of finishing the paper tomorrow: 70%. Odds of being 93% done tomorrow: 93%.

Today, I am an Adult

I just unclogged a toilet all by myself for the first time. 

I feel so incredibly handy.

That Time

"You learned English?"

"Just in cases."

Watched Love Actually tonight while wrapping and writing cards. Still love that movie. 

Also, I smelled pine for the first time this season when entering Trader Joe's tonight, and it made me realize how important the holiday season is to me and how, in the future (and maybe also this year) I need to make a bigger effort to integrate it into my life. Because the smell of Christmas makes me feel so much happier.

Beep

You know how when women get pregnant they crave crazy, terribly unhealthy and sometimes even disgusting foods? Apparently when forced to produce 100 pages of text in three weeks, my brain craves horrible music. Things I haven't been able to get enough of lately (or get out of my head, for that matter) include "Beep" by the Pussycat Dolls, "Me N You" by Cassie, and "Two Become One" by the Spice Girls. To be fair, I'm also digging on Feist and the new Radiohead, but still. Come ON.

In less me-centered news, A) my beloved little brother turned 21 yesterday and B) Tom was accepted to Oriel for next year. Both these events make me 90% happy and 10% sad I'm not around to celebrate them properly (although Tom seems to have celebrated by continuing to write code - oh grad school). Ben's being 21 means we can go to bars together and drink around the house with getting that disappointed stare from our mother. It also begins years of squabbling about who has to drive...or rather, a year of squabbling. Then Kat can do it. Tom's still waiting to hear about his DPhil proposal, but after proofreading it for him (which was made difficult by the fact that I literally didn't understand one word in ten), I'm confident he'll be fine. After all, his proposal is so pretty.

In news that makes me regret not going to school in California, my car is snowed in again. It's not quite as bad as the previous time, but it's still going to take some effort since I *still* haven't gotten around to buying a shovel. At least this time I have an actual snow brush for the car itself and won't be reduced to using a doormat like the last few times.

Académie de Limoges, comme vous avez m'a déçu

As I'm researching ways of training TAs for teaching Freshman English, I can't help but think wistfully of how helpful some of these pedagogical techniques would have been for me about 15 months ago when I was first faced with 230 little French kids and no idea what to do with them.

Oh well. At least I learned strategies for hiding the constant rage I felt during classes that went poorly. From what I hear, those come in handy.

Two Down!

Granted, there are still two to go, but I feel like the worst is over. Comp will be like, 12 pages tops, and I have a good start on theory already. I am in good shape. 

*dances*

I saw Golden Compass last night with Alex (since Renee and Marissa couldn't make it at the last minute, sad) and was ultimately disappointed. I'm constantly annoyed by the way adults assume kids can only be interested in meticulously straightforward and painfully obvious plots. The 2 minutes of out-and-out voiceover exposition at the beginning were incredibly painful.

Still, I enjoyed it, if only for the art direction. All the choices they made were note perfect; even the things that looked different from what I see in my head, like Lee Scorsby, looked wonderful and totally fitting. Nicole was stunning, as was Eva Green, and I can see Daniel Craig being good if/when he gets more to do. And the scenes in Oxford...so, so cool. Since I was there so recently it was weird to see the camera panning down streets I was on mere weeks ago; it must be even weirder for J&T. And the way they tweaked the buildings just a tad was awesome.

So...yes. Next movie choice? Not sure...hopefully something before then, but it might be Sweeny Todd. That shit is going to be badass.

Saturday Morning

Today for the first time in weeks, I didn't feel depressed when I woke up. This is due not so much to anything inherently positive about today but more to my sweet-ass dreams (in which, among other things, I beat the shit out of a girl who was making fun of one of my friends), but regardless, it was a nice feeling

But Oh, It Gives Me Thrills To Wind You Up

Today was the best Friday in ages. Class was fine, I came home and wrote 9 pages of MBD, I ran the errand I needed to, I hung out with Marissa, I drank pinot and I chatted with Jessie and Kevin, then just Jessie. It was the perfect mix of productive, enjoyable and informative.

You know, I like my life here a lot. Despite my bitching, I really do fit here, and that's a good feeling.

Apartment Snapshot

Marissa: Hey, can I borrow Homo Saccer?

Me: Sure. It's right there on the bottom shelf, between Douglas Adams and Harry Potter.

Paper to Pen, Spell Out Eliza

What a difference between writing a paper whose topic I chose out of panic and one whose topic I actually put time and work into. The moral is obvious. The last two are split, but the shorter one is the one I didn't find an interesting topic for in time, so hopefully it won't be too bad. I plan on going to see Golden Compass this weekend, both to reward myself for finishing MBD and as "research" for theory.

I love going to the gym. While I know I need to start adding running back into my routine soon, I still love it. I went to an abs class for the first time in weeks yesterday and was reminded that, while doing them myself is all well and good, class is best. So we'll be back tomorrow.

I'm really into music while writing this semester. Sometimes I don't like it, but it's been working really well. It also gives me a chance to dig out old favorites I don't listen to much. I've had this strange urge to share music I love with people lately, so if anyone's down for a mix CD swap I'd be in. I'm in the market for new stuff as well.

And you can bet your ass "Church of John Coltrane" will be on there. It's like, my indie ace-in-the-hole. So indie I don't even know if it's possible to get their CD, let alone how.

I'm looking forward to classes ending; I'm fed up with them getting in the way of my marathon library visits.  I'm also really looking forward to having time to go shopping, despite my continued lack of cash. Call me crazy, but I love the mall at Christmas time, particularly if I don't really *need* to buy anything. It's always decorated festively, there's Christmas music, there's beautiful things everywhere (hey, I'm a little materialistic, sue me), and you're surrounded by people who are buying things for people they love. I like it. Since I usually finish 90% of my shopping November I don't get frazzled, and so I usually manage to avoid the cynicism/blind rage that so often accompany a trip to the mall in December. 

I have been suffering from "tip of the tongue" syndrome ALL day. I couldn't think of the word "geographically" earlier and had to get help from my 16-year-old sister. I've also been using Thesaurus.com an ungodly amount, because my brain simply cannot find the words it wants.

I just came home after 10 hours in Memorial and immediately spent 20 minutes trying to get my car out. I succeeded in clearly the windshields of ice, but not in removing the ice wall surrounding the vehicle itself. That will be tomorrow's task, when I've hunted up a shovel. Teach me not to drive when it snows...good grief.

Wow.

Am I the last one to know that Salman Rushdie has a ridiculously hot wife?

"I Wish I Had A Million Bucks...Hot Dog!"

I need to hurry up and finish my work so I can watch "It's a Wonderful Life."

Also, I just had the sweetest paper writing experience in a long time. I was finishing up a close reading, and thinking that I really wanted this paper to be done, but I couldn't justify ending with just the passages I'd examined. And then I saw a thread connecting all the readings I'd done that can't be demonstrated in anything I *hadn't* yet discussed, and which will only require like, 20 minutes of editing to incorporate into my thesis and other readings, and which will actually make my argument *better*.

How often does something that makes your paper better also make it shorter? I'm so pleased. Maybe I will be home by ten after all.

Let Your Diamond Bracelet Fall

I'm listening to "Ice Age" by Pete Yorn for the first time in ages, and it reminds me so strongly of last year. No particular moment (except maybe walking through the arbor in the Jardins de l'Eveche that one fall day), but...I love this song. Pete Yorn is underrated.

Work now.

Wow

The trailer for Juno looks SO good.

Nice Work If You Can Get It

Back in Memorial in my preferred study carrel. Someday I'm going to show up here and it will be occupied, which will really annoy me. I'm chugging along with Festa; while I suspect much of what I dashed off today will need revision to A) line up properly with my thesis and B) avoid constantly repeating itself, I feel like I've finally broken through with this paper. I know what I'm trying to say, and I really do see the text doing the things I am claiming it does. By the time I finish with the bathhouse scene I'll easily have ten pages; after I read the scene where she puts on the costume I'll be at twelve. I'll probably pause there and do a bunch of editing before choosing which scene to finish it off with.

Man this entry is boring reading. I had something specific to write but it's gone. Today's been good; I went to the gym first thing, and while I can tell I'm getting a bit bored, I still got a good workout in. Then I came here and have been here ever since...about 5 hours. I'm hoping to stay three more, see where I'm at and then go home for dinner. There's been talk of seeing a movie, which appeals to me, but if not I'll do work-study things and go to bed early. I'm thinking of trying to come in to campus before the snow starts (which is looking like around 9) for a full day cocooned up here, but then A) I have to get home somehow in 6 inches of ice and snow and B)...I guess just A. I don't want to stay at home though, and I definitely don't want to be in Thieves all day. We'll see, I guess. Probably I will come in and just cross my fingers.

Today's been good for other reasons too. I love my sister lots, which is good, and I'm still glowing happily from the fun I had last night. And an (admittedly ridiculous) anxiety I've been nursing for a week now has been more or less put to rest, which is always nice.

Alright, back to explaining why Lady Mary creepily wishes that there was an invisible Englishman inside the bathhouse leering at naked women. Peace.

'Tis the Season

I said "Merry Christmas" for the first time this year today, to the woman ringing the bell outside the State Street Walgreen's. I love Christmas...even if I'm too swamped to revel in it, it's a comforting backdrop to all the insanity.

Today went well, despite my feeling like shit for most of it. I holed up in Memorial for nearly 8 hours, and while I didn't quite make my goal of having three pages of Festa finished before quitting, falling short by half a page, I did come up with a functional (if not yet quite perfect) picture of how the paper will look. I did a ton of freewriting, read a few helpful articles and outlined through probably page 9 quite thoroughly. Now I will go home, eat, and work on work study crap. And maybe skim that book for 723.

I think I can do this. If my meeting with Lynn goes well tomorrow I bet I can finish a full-length draft of this by Sunday night, Monday at the latest. And that would be awesome.

Alright, home. This stomach needs some food.

Binary Solo!

So. Oxford.

Tom stole my idea for the entry, which I'm a bit annoyed at, but whatever. I was GOING to list off all the top inside jokes from the week, but he beat me to it, although he neglected to mention our repeated use of Sim slang ("Flama-Jama! Fablee!"), although he did hit on the fact that we played about 6 hours of Sims II my last night in Oxford. That's so us. Two drinks at a pub and then hours and hours of computer-generated life in a house with Basshunter as a roommate.

And though Tom mentioned this as well, it bears repeating. The number-one joke of the week was started by our very own Jim Whitehead, referring to the mailboxes everyone has at Oxford, which are called pigeonholes, typically shortened to "pidge." This leads to all sorts of slang expressions, such as "just put it in my pidge," "I'll pidge it to you," etc. Jim pointed out that this sounds vaguely dirty, and so for the rest of the week we used the word as a "nonspecific sexual euphamism." In every other sentence. I think other people stopped finding this humerous quickly, but it kept up full steam as far as we were concerned. (I pointed out early on that while I may not have a pidge over here in Madison, I do have a box.)

Other notable quotes which I wrote in the back of my journal:

"One if by land, two if by sea, three if my formal hall." - Jim, in reference to...something. I forget.

"I like how comfortable you are handling birds." - Tom on Ed's prowess with our roast duck

"Does he ask you to wear wool sweaters in bed?" - Tom to Jamie, on Ed's affinity for sheep

"Dude, if virgin's tears had magical powers I'd have cried a lot more when I was young." - Tom, on the Munchkin card "Virgin's Tears"

"You're cleaning." "What? I'm supposed to be fucking!" - Jamie and I, concerning the behavior of my character in the Sims

It was a great trip. Our Thanksgiving meal was AMAZING, although I missed stuffing. The ham turned out delicious, and I think we did a good job showing our British, Indian and South African guests why America has such a fat reputation. I ate until I almost exploded, then took a walk around Worcester in the freezing cold, then ate two slices of cheesecake. Even posting about this is making me hungry. We played a bunch of Munchkin afterwards and listened to Tom's eclectic music collection, which took me back in time with pretty much every song. Really, the trip was just relaxing in the extreme. I got to do everything I wanted to do: leave Madison for somewhere totally different, spend a lot of time with my friends, eat a lot, drink a lot (which arguably I did a bit too much of, when all is said and done), and not worry about school. I had adventures, I have some fun stories, and I was reminded of how lucky I have been in friends. And I have a ton of candy for the stockings, so everybody wins!

Also, general shoutout to Hertford. I love pretty much everyone I've ever met in that college, and this trip's new faces were no exception. Everyone was so cool and friendly (and crazy), and made me feel like I fit right in. Jamie's lucky to have done so well, and I'm glad to know she's at the helm of a ship that deserves her.

I'm 16, Driving South From Baltimore

So I will write up the rest of my Oxford adventures soon (hopefully later today). This morning I woke up feeling a bit disoriented and a bit sad, both because I am incredibly behind and because I'm not with Jamie and Tom anymore. I lay in bed for a good four snooze cylces, drifting off and repeatedly expecting to wake up in Ed's room, with the sun shining in off Catte Street. But when I got up I was in my own messy, exploded-suitcases, things-I-need-to-read-immedietly-all-over room in Madison.

But then I got up and made my to-do list, and realized that despite the hell that is December, I'm glad to be home. And then I put on "Boten Anna" and realized that Jamie and Tom are always going to be my best friends and the 6 month interlude will only make the June tour that much more exciting.

Hon Heter Anna, Anna Heter Hon

Well, it's Thanksgiving in Oxford.

We're celebrating a day late because last night was the St Hugh's exchange, which I ended up going to with Jim, Jamie and everyone else (except Tom, who had practice) since there were some extra seats. It turned out to be fantastic, actually...the food was quite decent, the wine was both free and free-flowing, and afterwards we got a bit insane in their bar, followed by insanity in the Hertford bar and the Octagon. Typical Oxford. It was pretty clutch...all night we wanted to steal something from St Hugh's but everything was quite literally nailed down, so in the end James stole a huge drum of water and we ran away giggling. David dared me to smash a glass on a tombstone but I chickened out, and several dark Pangos were consumed. Pictures will be forthcoming.

Today we watched FotC in the morning and then had Moo-Moos for lunch. Moo-Moos is so, so delicious. We did a Sainsys run after that, and now I'm in Jim's living room typing away. I guess 11 people are coming tonight, which is awesome. We couldn't find a turkey that would fit in Jim's oven, so instead we're having a five kilo ham. Aww yeah baby.

Also, everyone should watch the Youtube video for Botten Anna by Basshunter. It's been the source of many inside jokes this week and is generally amusing.

I love Oxford.

Holy Cherry Paneling, Batman!

Tom's gym is the poshest I have ever seen in my life.

Merrye Olde Englande!

I'm here!

After a whirlwind 24 hours in Chicago with Maeve (who is amazing and the best hostess ever and I love her), I climbed onto my nonstop Virgin Atlantic flight and promptly fell asleep. When I woke up I was hovering over England. I got through customs in record time, caught the 9:50 bus and was in Oxford at a miraculous 11:15. Tom was the first person I saw; we were very affectionate, huggy and un-British in greeting each other. Jamie soon followed, and we met Jim and Ed for lunch at a twisty little Polish-run deli for lunch, right next to the (inexplicably open) covered market.

Everyone looks great. I have missed them so much. But again...with Jamie and Tom, whenever we finally get together, it's not overwhelming and exciting. It's just natural. It feels like an inevitability, like comfort. This is compounded by the fact that Oxford feels pretty natural to me at this point as well. Today, for example, after eating, we just sat around in Jamie's prsidential pad (verdict: pretty sweet but incredibly cold) and played a Magic-esque game called Munchkins, which is really fun. Now I'm huddled in a fleece watching Tom do his linguistics homework, staring out the window towards Broad Street. We're going to Formal Hall at Worcester tonight with Jim, then more Munchkins over wine.

I have missed my friends so much. Being here is great. It brings back so many good memories...of Oxford last year and of all the crazy shit I've gotten up to with these two.

Yay vacations!

Baby Steps, Baby Steps...

So I am writing my presentation for Comp, and I am now writing a discussion prompt about his claim that "reason vs madness" is one of the three external limiting factors of discourse. And I was thinking about how fun (seriously) I found that passage because madness is such an interesting topic to come across in a theoretical article, and how neat the few passages I read last month from "Madness and Civilization" were. And then I actually felt a strong desire to read the whole book over Christmas break.

*That's* a first.

Almost ready to depart on Friday. Got to buy a bus ticket and pack, and remember to bring my hairdryer home from the gym. But otherwise...I'm ready. This trip is going to be fantastic. I can't wait to see the new bar in the Waugh room, or just to see T&J's faces. I know everyone is sick of hearing me gush about this trip, but the fact is, if Jamie and Tom were both at school in like, Alabama, I'd still be gushing about going to visit. Oxford's just the icing on the cake.

And my MBD paper is coming along great! Life's not so bad. Even if Bakhtin does make my brain hurt.

And You Can Wake Up Younger Under the Knife

Today was a good day. I worked out, I read Foucault and mostly kind of understood it, or at least felt okay about it, I went to a basketball game, I actually used my newfound understanding of Foucault in a conversation (so sad the things that excite me), and I am eating SunChips.

And I go to Oxford in less than a week.

Really Random

So...you know how there are those songs, the ones you associate really strongly with events or phases in your life? For you, that song *is* that moment.

I just found out, via the magic of the internet and coincidence, that a song I heard for the first time in 2004 and indelibly associate with part of that summer, was released in 1991.

I know that doesn't seem like it should be weird, but...but it is. It really is. Memory can betray you, things often feel like things they're not, everything looks different when you look back.

It's made even more significant by the fact that it's a song I found again this summer after losing it for two years. But that's another story. And I've been sufficiently weird for now.

Welcome to the Good Life

Check the use of irony!

Actually, life's ok. Yesterday was a great day. I met with Melody and got ideas for the presentation Monday, I read for Lynn's class, and I took a nap. That alone makes it an ok day, but afterwards I actually did fun things! Marshelle and I went to the mall, where we both bought coats; I actually bought two coats. I love them both, and they were both pretty cheap. After that we picked up Renee and went to Marshelle's house, where her roommate was hosting a candle/dinner/sex toy/Halloween party. Needless to say it was incredibly diverting. I ate lots of mini Three Muskateers, drank numerous glasses of wine and appear to have committed to hosting one of the above categories of party with Renee in February...I'll leave it to the intrepid reader to, knowing me (and Renee, come to think of it), to guess which one it is. Themed food will be served!

After the party we went back to my house and did our usual...talked, drank a bit more, watched TV, crashed. I love that Marshelle and Renee sleep over pretty much every weekend...it makes me happy. This morning Renee and I went to the farmer's market for the last time until spring, then I hit the gym, and now I am in Memorial doing work of all shapes and sizes.

I'm pretty excited for my vacations. As they creep closer they begin to come into focus, and it keeps me going on the days when I want to cry pretty much every second. The text messages I received at midnight last night don't hurt, either.

Ok, time to formulate some kind of idea for my comp proposal, then maybe take a break to regroup at home before starting the evening shift.

Your Mother Told You There'd Be Days Like These

aka, days that totally blow.

I'd say something along the lines of "thank goodness it's the weekend," but it's hardly a change anymore. Apart from the little shindig at Marshelle's, all it means is that class won't get in the way of my work.

At least I'm eating a sundae cup though! That's worth something.

Off topic, but...

So I'm in Memorial and I SWEAR I am going to get lots done, but I wanted to write that, in reviewing Stickies from various meetings with professors lately (I am a huge Stickies devotee), I came across the following notes (from different sessions, but the same ideas):

- "I need to start listening more in this class, huh? Oops."

- "awkward. he's so, so awkward."

- "shit, the press is on now."

- "you have no idea what you just said, do you?" (directed at self)

- "fuck. fuck fuck."

- "didn't I already explain that? *kills self*"

- "*kills self*"

- "*stabs self in face*"

- "Why am I not a cocktail waitress instead?"

Yeah. Just a little insight into the kinds of things I think when I'm conferencing with the great minds that are my professors.

"...and I marvel at how this moment creates that miracle."

I need to go back to reading about genocide in Rwanda and then go to bed so I can bang out hundreds of things tomorrow, but a few thoughts first.

Exactly a year ago right now my first visit to Oxford was coming to an end. While I could never have predicted then where I would be now, I can honestly say that visit is pretty much the reason I am here. At the time I was toying with calling it "life-changing," but that phrase is so cliche...everything I do changes my life, you know? I apparently ate a shit tone of junk food this semester and it's changed my life by turning me into a fat lump. So the term is flawed. But if I hadn't visited Jamie - and moreover, if I hadn't visited her then, over Toussaint - many significant things would have been different. I would not have learned several important (and not necessarily great) truths about the inner workings of my mind. I would not have seen Jamie in full 20s attire.

And I would not be in Madison right now. I think eventually I was bound to come to graduate school...it's like old people and Florida, it just pulls you in if you've got the slightest desire to go there. Or for me it would have been. But because I went to Oxford and remembered how good I felt when I was engaged in my love affair with literature back in Battelle (and admittedly fell in love with Oxford as well), I snuck my applications in just in time, was accepted, and decided on Wisconsin. And while the sight of my to-do list for tomorrow almost makes me question whether or not this is a good thing, mostly I'm sure it was.

So that's what it comes down to. Despite two decades of voracious reading, many supportive and wonderful educators, a natural inability to be interested in anything but books and essays about them, and my inexplicable attraction to the letters "PhD," the fact is that if, about oh, 368 days ago, I hadn't been sprinting through a cow pasture in rural France with sweat flying off me and my luggage clutched desperately to my chest, trying to make my flight to Stansted, I would not be a grad student.

Is this moment a miracle? No. But it will be if I someday get those letters.

Wait...it's not over yet?

So life goes on.

My ridiculously ambitious goal of having two complete drafts before my trip to Oxford has of course fallen to bits, and I'll be lucky to have one half-draft and a solid outline. I like writing the papers when I have long chunks of time to devote to them, but right now...I just don't. Too many little assignments to worry about. I'm hoping I can bang out a bunch of pages in that last week leading up to the trip, since all the little stuff will be done and I can really focus on that.

This week has not been as productive as I'd like in the sense that I don't feel like I've taken a chunk out of the pile, but in reality I'm doing ok. And it's been a big week for...personal revelation, let's say. There have been three specific things, which I may not be able to verbalize well but which are all very interesting. For me, anyhow.

1) I made a big breakthrough on understanding my resistance to theory (which, ironically, is the title of the first theoretical article I read in grad school). It's a bit clumsy to explain, but essentially I realized that while I had accepted that people believe in theory, so I have to read it and demonstrate that I can see how it's expected to be used, I didn't really believe it could do any of the things it says it can. Like, to use the example that brought me to this conclusion, knowing intellectually that it must suck to live your entire life in the closet but never having actually *thought* about how people go through it, what it entailed, embraced the reality of what that would mean. It seems like a ridiculous comparison, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little on drugs when it occurred to me, but it remains interesting and helpful to my theoretical work.

2) Continuing the theoretical line of thought...I decided I believe in subjective truth. In certain kinds of cases. I'm not even going to try to describe how this came about.

3) I've become one of those annoying people who can only talk about their work. I have very little else to say currently...it hit me hard yesterday, when I had numerous conversations with non-grad students and found myself oddly silent when I wasn't talking about school. Last night I was watching an FotC episode in which Dave (who is Indian for those living in a comedy-free box) refers to Bret and Jermaine as "English," and I literally paused the show to ponder the postcolonial implications of a member of one ex-British colony calling white members of another ex-colony English. Not British mind you - English. I've lost any semblance of being a normal person.

Ben comes tomorrow. I'm *thrilled*. It gives me a good excuse to stop working for a bit, and hopefully do some things that needed to be done anyhow but are vaguely fun. These things would include buying a coat, going to the Kohl's sale and looking for furniture at St Vincent's. I'm sure he'll be so excited.

I bought a bar of Lindt 80% Dark the other day, and when I opened the cardboard wrapper and peeled back the very-thin silver foil, I had a Proustian moment. My mind actually got confused about whether I was standing in my own kitchen in Madison or my tiny kitchenette in Limoges. It made me miss France (and specifically Trimble) a lot. When I was bored to death and dragging myself through every day and being sick and tired of the same three bars, of *everything,* I knew inside that someday I'd miss all of it terribly, as hard as that was to believe at the time. Well, the moment is here. I miss everything. Not just France, the language, the wine...I miss everything. I miss being so relaxed it was stressful.

Along the same lines, I've been daydreaming a lot about vacation. My dreams about Thanksgiving and Christmas are very different, but just as appealing; when I think about Oxford I think of doing things and when I think of NC I think of not doing things. In Oxford I'm going to go to London, drink, see the sights, bike around, work on papers, go to pubs, make Thanksgiving dinner, have a fucking blast. Over Christmas I'm not going to work, not going to think about school, not going to leave the house for days if the mood strikes me, not going to work on anything. I can't wait for either. Seeing the Marauders, seeing the family, Strongbow, good wine I don't pay for, Pangos in the college bar, karaoke in the gay bar...it's going to be good.

Just got to make it there. Hard to believe the first one's three weeks from Saturday. Not sure if that's awesome or utterly terrifying.

Ways I Could Finance My Life

1) Write something better than this:

http://beta.bordersstores.com/online/store/ArticleView_lickoffrost

The Grad Student, in Helen C White, with the Incredibly Heavy Workload

That counts as a blunt object, right?

Oxford is mere weeks away, but it's cold comfort when you're staring down the barrel of four seminar papers, two presentations, two proposals, a short paper to edit and of course, reading.

Why am I updating my blog? Oh God, must return to editing.

And the Other Shoe Drops

Today I am not productive. All I want to do is go home, maybe take a nap, maybe take a nap in James Madison Park because it's so nice out, eat some cookies and generally relax. I'm forcing myself to sit in the library right now, but there's no way I can work on papers today. Reading is all I can manage, and even that's tough. I plan to read to page 55 of the book for my Comp review, which will make me 1/4 finished, then either read for MBD or go home. I had made big plans to write more seminar paper pages and edit for Festa, but I can't handle postcolonial shit today and I still haven't brought myself to look at the draft again since that meeting on Thursday.

So...reading. Then dinner, laundry, reading, Marshelle, bed. And maybe a lil' bonding session with Marissa in there too.

I wish I was smarter.

Higher and Higher, We're Gonna Make It

Today I was *incredibly* productive. I went to the gym and had a great workout, I finished my presentation preparation, I completed a draft of my short paper for 18th Century that I feel pretty good about, and I reread all my notes for my 723 paper and drew up a clear, semi-extensive outline of how the paper will be organized and what points will go where. I also neatened by room up and visited Renee's new places. And it is only midnight. And I feel great!

If only every day could go like this.

All My Friends Say That Of Course It's Gonna Get Better, Gonna Get Better

I am refusing to waste time today (other then my 1 1/2 hours at the gym, of course), but I wanted to post briefly and say that...

A) Jessie and Kristiane's party was awesome. Jessie got adorably drunk, I got to dance without feeling (too) stupid because lots of other people danced too, and at the end of the night Renee was in my bed. It was pretty close to ideal.

B) It took me 6 hours to do my Festa presentation. Not including the two and a half hours it took me to initially read and take notes on the article. This does include the time I spent freaking out however. I'd probably still be freaking out and staring at a blank screen labeled "Wilson Handout" if it weren't for the help of two people. Jamie was *unbelievably* supportive and helpful, basically walking me through the article (which she'd read years before for her thesis) and, when I kept freaking out, actually feeding me bullet points at times. I feel like I should include a dedication on my final handout. Also deserving of a mention in the liner notes of my Island Race project is Eric, for talking to me in a really rational and helpful way and breaking through my shell of utter panic. Thanks guys.

C) I love eliptical machines and abs classes.

That Solo's Awful Long, But It's a Pretty Song

Today,

A) It was cold. While I'm glad to see the season make the full committment to turning, I'll be pretty pissed if we lost all our gorgeous 60-70 degree fall days to a week or so of freakishly warm 80 degree days. We'll see. Right now I'm suffering all my "fuck it's cold now" symptoms - cold feet that keep me from concentrating, hands that get icy as I type, the desire to eat heaps of pasta (resisting so far). And DON'T tell me how much worse it will get. I know this. Hell, I'm not even complaining right now. Just commenting on the fact that two days ago I was tanning in James Madison and now I am thinking I need to move my ass to the Winter Coat Store. (That exists, right?)

B) I did loads of reading. I think I read for longer today without significant break than I have in grad school to date. I accomplished a lot, and I feel pretty good. I even want to stay in and keep reading, and will probably read over another piece before going out. Will this last? Almost surely not. But...

C) I felt myself grow up a little bit. This sensation always freaks me out a little bit when it's very concious. I was walking towards the bus thinking about concepts of national identity in the 18th century, and it was like a bead on an abacus had been shifted from one side to another, and suddenly the sum was different, and I was different. I always think I'll get used to the feeling, but it's always a different bead, so it's always different. Maybe it'll go back to being an unconcious process one of these days.

Anyone Got a Copy of "Hero and the Crown"?

I'm trying to remember that last line...also, I just really want to read the book again. And I'm now reading wiki pieces on Beverly Cleary books, none of which I have thought about in years aside from a vague "oh, Sarah Polley played Ramona once" when I saw Away From Her. And now I am fascinated, wondering about these books from the 50s would play to a modern audience.

Can't I just read a lot of children's books for 6 years and then be handed a PhD?

Diamonds and Butlers

I just spent like, a good 15 minutes facebook stalking a friend from middle school/high school who I had kind of a falling-out with back in the day, and who I haven't spoken to in 5 or 6 years.

It's weird...to think about the people you knew, the people who grew up helping you through the hardest moments of being a kid, and now they're off being adults.

The internet allows me to keep tabs on people I really should know nothing about.

723 Breakthroughs

Wow. I've been working nonstop on reading and just generally brainstorming for my 723 seminar paper, and it's pretty awesome. It's reminding me that I like doing this, that I have real literary interests even if I'm not taking classes in hardly any of them right now, and it's helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel that is this semester. Because I can write this paper. I can. I can probably start writing it this week, provided I judiciously skim (aka ignore some of) my reading for other classes.

And while I'm never going to be a theoretical machine, turns out that stuff gets much more interesting when you are thinking about it in conjunction with the literature itself. Who knew?

Your Heart Won't Heal Right If You Keep Tearing Out the Sutures

...that about sums it up, really.

This weekend's been good. Nothing will recapture that feeling of newness and awe that I always seek to recapture when fall begins to creep in, but between the fondue party, the new plans for this summer, the early morning texts and the trip to the grocery store that give it all meaning, it could have been worse.

As I said tonight to a few people, it's like the 5 stages of grief lately, with school. And I think I'm almost at acceptance.

Nostalgia is the worst drug. It's addictive, unavoidable and the comedown is terrible.

And to reply to one commentator on tonight...there's t-shirts and t-shirts.

...I've had a few too many drinks to be posting. So we'll just end it here, before my thinly veiled comments begin parading about in the nude.

Wouldn't It Be Great...

...if the books I wanted for my 723 paper weren't all checked out?

I've been fiddling with the library webpage for awhile now, and I almost miss the (dare I say) convenience of having one central library at AU, out of which no one ever took any of the books I wanted. Sure it was hideous, poorly stocked and creepy, but hey. The books were there.

I'm just going to go gather up the few I was able to find that are in, and then call it a day. I had two insignificant insights into the structure of the paper, found a few books to start with and (kind of) figured out how the system works. Time to move on to the next annoying task: reading for Comp so I can post my response for the week.

This week went by incredibly fast. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Also...

I am so in love with Jim. And jealous of Pam.

I miss Erin, my Office/Crush-on-Jim buddy.

You'll Be a Bitch Because You Can

I don't care if it makes me outdated and kills my indie cred (although I guess I didn't have much/any to start with), but I really, really like "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room." Yeah, not a great (or even good) album, but I love the song.

Today was not too bad. I felt less "WTF" and more "I guess I just fucking have to deal with this." These days that constitutes a significant improvement. MBD was pretty good, and it was great to have Marshelle back with us - even if I know she's missing Colt. Renee and I did two classes at the gym (both of which kicked my ass), and then after some tasty dinner I managed to write three pages of my four page Journal Review. They are terrible, and the fact that it's taken me 2 1/2 hours speaks to my lack of ability to focus, but at least I've written something for grad school. That's one milestone passed. Plus...no 723 this week!

Tomorrow I'm meeting with MDB to talk about my ghost of an idea for that paper, then working more on this paper before Festa. I also really need to go grocery shopping.

...this entry is incredibly boring. I apologize. Basically I just felt an ill-advised need to confess my love for John Mayer and then felt obligated to continue.

In conclusion...I should probably take four classes next term. Interpret it how you will.

Hijinx, Tomfoolery and the like

I am really really excited for England. Sure it may cause me to have a nervous breakdown about my papers, sure it may bankrupt me, and yes, it probably was not my most intelligent decision ever.

But damn it's going to be awesome. Mucking about Oxford with Jamie and Tom (and Ed and Jim), drinking, dancing, eating, writing seminar papers (ok, so not ALL hijinx)...it's going to be wonderful.

Now all I have to do is survive the next seven weeks and write about 50 pages. Simple.

I <3 the Marauders. Let's get into so much trouble when I come we'll be talking about it for years.

My Week Pt 1 - Pierced

Well.

It's been a week in the life. I don't know how else to sum it up. It wasn't particularly eventful, but some interesting things did go down.

For starters...Renee and I got pierced on Monday night. It almost didn't happen due to intense amounts of work and the apprentice who was supposed to do us being sick, but we forged ahead and made it happen. It was a fun little adenture. The place was out in Su Prairie, about 15 minutes away, and the front room was basically a huge head shop with crazy black-and-red tiling. We waited about 10 minutes for the dude behind the counter to finish chatting up some girls who looked way too young to be getting pierced or buying pipes, only to find that Doug, who was supposed to pierce us for some incredibly low price due to his apprentice status, was out sick. Hmm. Luckily for us, the normal guy agreed to do us for the same price, which worked out perfectly.

I got my nose pierced, and Renee did her neck (ouch). It went well for both of us, although Renee almost passed out afterwards...crazy endorphins. It was very bonding-experience, and the guy who did us seemed very knowledgeable, which helped Renee's fears about being paralyzed for life when he shoved a needle through her neck. My nose looks cute; although it's already got its major detractors *coughJeffcough*, I like it a lot, and someone actually said to me the next day "haven't you always had your nose pierced?" So I feel like it looks pretty natural. If a tiny diamond stud in a nostril can be deemed natural.

One step closer to resembling my Biblical namesake.

Ok, time to drink wine with Renee...well, more wine. Perhaps more later...but don't hold your breath.

Focus

And don't forget. Because you have things coming up that matter, and you need to have your shit together.

"*poof*...You Are Home."

I am happy here. Possibly happier than I have been anywhere else, in a really long time. It might still be a little soon to say, but something I haven't felt for a long time is coming back, and I think...I think I feel I belong here. Or will, at any rate.

And that's a really, really good feeling to have.

Shiny Happy MacBooks

So it's already clear what the highlight of my day was.

This computer is so shiny and fast, it blows my other one clean out of the water. I've already used the camera for videochatting with Tom, and provided we can find a time when we're all awake and at computers, it'll be sweet to talk to him and Jamie that way.

...yeah. Other things, too. Bought a DVD player, picking up a TV tomorrow. It'll be nice to have them, for movie nights and such. Hopefully Marissa will chip in an antenna if there's not one built in already, and we'll need to pick up a table or something for it, but that's easily done with a trip to St Vincent's. Marshelle made me fall in love with her all over again last night with several choice comments over our evening together. Renee and I bonded a lot this past week as well, I feel, and the three of us are basically going to be as thick as thieves. (I could make some sort of lame joke here involving the name of the coffee shop we frequent, Company of Thieves, but I'll resist.) I've been trying to snare some of Jessie's free time for awhile as well but she proves elusive...hopefully later this week we can work something out.

Classes are going well. My Holocaust class (for lack of a better description) was a little less comprehesible this week, but that might be because I could NOT wake up. Of all the faults I could have, why does "propensity to fall asleep in class" have to be one of them? It's so annoying. I'm looking forward to talking about Gulliver tomorrow, and - shockingly - I'm looking forward to theory. I was pretty into the articles for this week, so I'm excited to talk about them. And I'm itching to write something, to get that whole "ZOMG first grad paper" feeling out of the way, so I might meet with Morris and start my journal review this week. We'll see.

I just remember I'm meeting with Sarah Guyer at 11:40 tomorrow. Must not forget.

Getting pierced next weekend! Slightly anxious it will look awful, but whatever. I can always take it out. I'm pretty excited...it's stupid (and I regret saying this aloud the other day) but it makes me feel like I'm really in grad school, out of the house. I haven't told Dad and I'm not planning on it; I'm 23 and he can deal with my getting my nose pierced.

Ok, time to continue messing around with the new computer a bit and then sleep.

I Wore the Time Like a Dress That Year

You know what album is amazing, that I haven't thought about in awhile?

Tidal.

Still in Bed

So it's 10:20 and I'm still in bed. And I really don't feel like getting up, even though I KNOW I should.

I think I'll read Gulliver in bed until 11, then mosey down to Thieves for some good article-reading fun. And go to the gym at some point. After the eating that ensued last night, that's definitely an order.

Blah. Is it November yet?

Friendship, Friendship, Just the Perfect Blendship

Spent the evening with Marshelle and Renee. We are perfect for each other. I am so, so blessed to have chosen a place with people who suit me so well.

It was a good night. And tomorrow...Bagel Hour(s)!

You Never Know When It Starts Until There's Fog Inside the Glass Around Your Summer Heart

It's fall.

Not officially, of course, but...the season has turned. Night is crisp and the stars are brighter, and the air is full of nostalgia. Driving at night alone now takes on a new edge...or an old one, I suppose. It's me visiting Barger's apartment with Mike, it's driving along Wallace towards Adam's, it's turning the heat all the way up to defrost the crystal ice on Trixie's dashboard.

Why it's all high school memories is vague, but fall remains my favorite season, and one that makes me feel very connected to my life, if that makes sense. It also makes me want to wrap up in an old quilt in James Madison park and watch the stars come out until I'm so cold I can't stand it. I love the feeling of the cold air; after spending so much of the summer in NC, I realize I haven't been cold outdoors since I left France, and there it was always moist and cloying, never this crispness that feels like the air would snap if you ran through it too fast.

It's weather to dream to.

Today I wrote my presentation for 723, which was both easier and more enjoyable than I'd anticipated. In the end, I just let go all my anxieties about not using proper "grad student-y" buzzwords and just wrote like I always do, and I'm decently pleased with the results. Not going to make me famous for my sparkling wit and rhetoric, but I don't think I'll make a fool of myself either. And it's only in front of ten people, so who even cares?

I also picked Renee up on campus and drove her home, which meant I got to see her place (nice) and meet her cat (adorable). We chatted for awhile, and I continue to be excited about spending more time with her and thrilled with how lucky I've been in terms of friends. This really must be where I should be...it's too well suited to me to be a waste.

And finally, I ordered a new computer. Should be here in a week. Very, very exciting stuffs.

Haikus = Instant Hilarity

It's true, you know. Just check out Kingdom of Loathing. They're really borderline trendy these days.

Nothing to report really, just kind of moving along. Getting really excited for my trips, even though neither of them is exactly close. Had a really good class today with MBD; I'm optimistic. Didn't read as much as I should have today, but I'm pretty far ahead at the moment, so as long as I chase down the books for Friday I should be ok. Tomorrow I'll probably start my reading for next Monday. Talk about a 180 from undergrad...I *never* did all my reading, with the possible exception of my JLo and Manson classes. Although I don't think I read all of Harlot High and Low, so who knows.

Not looking forward to Tom switching time zones on me. Stupid GMT.

So yes. Generally things are going smoothly, although I'm a bit lonely. I'm sure it will pass...now if I could only be sure that *I* will pass.

I Don't Know Where the Sunbeams End or the Starlight Begins

It's all a mystery.

This was a great weekend.

Friday, to celebrate the end of our first (almost) full week of classes as grad students, we (and by "we" I mean Marshelle, Renee and myself) began drinking at 5pm and didn't go to bed until 5am. Shots were taken, drunken dance lessons were given, frozen pizza was consumed, and plenty of fun was had. Definitely a good night.

Saturday we woke up and went to the Farmer's market, after which I did a little reading at Thieves and attended the Middle Modernity kickoff meeting. Following this, on Renee's advice, I went over to the Flaming Lips show even though it was kinda late to do so, and ended up having one of the best concert experiences of my life. The show was amazing; they do a great job of making it a joy to watch, with great visuals, confetti, dancers in random outfits, huge balloons bouncing all over and general mayhem. Add to this that their music is phenomenal, plus one of the most powerful anti-war statements I've seen, and it was a concert that, more than any other I've been to, made me vow to attend more concerts.

Plus my refund check came! Good news all around. Here's hoping I survive to have another great weekend next week.

Adventures in Citation

So I probably should be posting about my first days of classes, etc, but what's really bothering me at the moment is my work study job.

I have five articles that I'm supposed to format, cleaning up the citations and making sure everything follows the guidelines for the discipline. No sweat, right?

Wrong. Totally wrong. Two of them were easy, but the rest...good Lord. There as citations with page numbers listed as "00-00," there are journals without issue or volume numbers, there's (and this is my favorite) an endnote that just says "(quoted variously, incl. Hinckley, Carpenter?)"

What am I supposed to do here? Is it MY job to track down the myriad little missing pieces of citation info for these entries? And this is not even touching on the one article that is 40 pages long, used MLA and needs to be Chicago, with a Works Cited page in a format that makes me shiver.

Anyone out there happen to be a Chicago expert?

New Blog for a New Chapter

So since I began my last online chronicle while in my first year of undergrad, I thought it'd be fitting to start a new one with the beginning of grad school. And here it is! Try to hold in your unbridled enthusiasm. I'm new to Blogger, but I'm already a fan...it seems smoother and less "omg wtf Emo!" than livejournal.

Today was the last day of calm before the storm that is classes. I woke up surprisingly collected and relaxed. Something inside me clicked walking home from Marshelle's last night, and I remembered. I remembered that I *can*. I can not fall victim to the things that bother me about myself and hold me back, both academically and personally. I can read an article and understand it (mostly), even if it takes me awhile. I can go to the gym and enjoy it for its own sake and not as a means to an end. I can do these things.

It's a very Zen kind of feeling. And now all I can think about is tracking down a copy of Zen Flesh, Zen Bones. (How do you do italics? The shortcut is just not having any of it.)

I had a near-religious experience at the gym today - I used an elliptical for the first time. Now I feel like a fool for letting so long go by without trying it. It's like running only ten times easier on joints and...everything, basically. I'm not sure I entirely believe what it says about calorie consumption, but I found it a welcome change...kept me very focused. Now if I can just overcome my fear of the very manly weight room...

Also, as mentioned above, I spent 3 hours in Company of Thieves (coffee shop around the corner) reading a theory article for 723. And while it was incredibly dense and packed with terms that sailed past me, I enjoyed it. I took copious notes (beautiful ones, Tom) and actually feel like I made real progress in understanding the subject. Does this mean I will be a star in class on Thursday. Hell no. But I'm confident I'll be able to follow the discussion and perhaps interject a few thoughts that won't lead my classmates to wish I was pumping gas rather that reading de Man.

11:45...time to reread my notes and go to sleep. Tomorrow I have a meeting with Professor Begam about my work-study position, then some reading time, and then...first class. Restoration and 18th Century. Should be hot.

Here we go.