I am so dumb

I just ordered something on ebay only to realize after verifying the payment that the shipping address listed was my old apartment - AGAIN. I made this exact same mistake earlier this week, resulting in confusion and annoyance and my ending up accidentally purchasing TWO of everything I had ordered. Gah.

Paper goes on. I'm about to write the conclusion, and then it will be more or less done. Yay. I got the characteristic "fantastic!" in class today for my presentation, so here's hoping.

It's my brother's birthday. Happy birthday Ben! Hopefully this shipping nonsense will get straightened out in time for you to receive your traditional birthday/Christmas naked Frenchmen extravaganza. ;-)

It always happens all at once, doesn't it?

So I'm in the middle of paper-writing hell, my students are overflowing my inbox with their final papers, my family is in the midst of some sort of messy reorganization of understandings, I'm gaining a nice little layer of winter fat, and it just snowed and iced for 36 hours.

Sigh.

Driving to class last night was quite an adventure. We had out first real storm last night and today, and the roads were shamefully awful. I'm not sure if it's assumed, because this is Wisconsin, that everyone is so rugged they don't need their roads plowed or if Madison just sucks at snow removal, but anything that wasn't a major road was deadly. And will be all winter, I'm sure - I remember now how bad it was last year. We ended up having to park at the bottom of the street and walk up to the house, since there's a huge hill leading up. And damn, my car was not going to do that. Nope. I'm not a bad driver in the snow, really, and it doesn't scare my in and of itself, nor have I ever gotten in a snow-related accident. But man. Last night was bad.

Also, I finally looked up how to set custom shortcut keys in Word, because every time I write a paper I wish I had a shortcut for footnotes. And I can't get the damn thing to work. It's annoying. Any helpful hints?

Since I began this entry, my paper has expanded from 10 1/2 pages to 15 1/2. Go me. Too bad I didn't craft an idea that would actually fit in 20 pages, or I'd be home free.

SO to SOs

SO to finding some sweet Christmas deals on ebay.

ASO to ebay for eating way too much of my time lately.

ASO to academic paper-writing for not being like riding a bike - turns out you CAN forget.

SO to Andy for being awesome

SO to boots of beer. Always a good idea.

SO to having a camera again. Goodness I've missed it.

ASO to the fact that I'm not going to finish all my papers. Boo.

ASO to this weather costing me 125 bucks. Boo.

SO to Dominos thin-crust pizza with pineapple.

SO to being home in 11 days.

Best bar convo in awhile

So last night at the Come Back, Kevin and Andy and I got into a conversation about who from the department they would like to see fight each other. It was surprisingly awesome.

So I'm opening the floor - who would you want to see fight?

A big moment

Today, I start writing my first seminar paper since May.

I don't know about others in my cohort, but for me it's kind of a big moment. You open that new Word document, you write your name and the class and all that bullshit on the top, you pull some stupid title out of your ass and center it, and then - you are committed. This is your paper, it must be written, and here we go. It's like that part in "The Wasteland" where they're on the top of the hill in the sled: "And down we went - we went down."* You're writing this, here we go, and who knows what will come of it.

Of course, then you have to write the introduction, which sucks, and then you have to figure out how you're going to organize the paper, which is inevitably different from the outline you've meticulously crafted, which sucks, and then you discover that even though you only need 20 pages your idea is like, 30 pages at least, and that sucks. But still, it's a nice feeling - I'm ready to change my 35-odd pages of notes into 25-odd pages of questionably coherent prose.

Another integral part of the paper-writing process is wasting time. Last year around this time, as I recall, it was a lot of food blogs and shopping for the trip to LA I thought I'd be taking. This year it's mostly Christmas shopping and ebay searches for secondhand designer jeans. As anyone who's spoken to me at any length since my return from California this summer, I've developed an almost unhealthy love of my one pair of designer jeans, some battered Rock & Republics I found in a West Hollywood thrift store for 40 bucks. They are magical. Never in my life have I owned jeans that managed to be so very much better than all my other jeans that comparison is laughable. The fact that they're secondhand only makes them more wonderful, since as everyone knows, worn-in jeans are always better than brand-new ones. My Rockins, as I affectionately (and probably annoyingly) refer to them, are God's way of telling me that I belong in LA, but also that it's true what all those annoyingly smug and grown-up people say - it's better to invest in one really nice thing that a bunch of meh things.

So yes. Cue my taking a break every 30 minutes to check ebay prices, scrutinize blurry photos to verify if the coin pocket is slanted at the proper angle rather than straight, which indicates a fake, to check my bank account and see that no, I still can't afford jack shit, and to wonder if well maybe I can afford that one pair that's at 67 right now, if they don't rise much before the auction ends.

The moral of the story is that one should write papers in internet-free places. I think the wireless movement is a scam to make sure none of us ever finish our degrees.





* That's the only part of "The Wasteland" I like, and I actually really love it. I had it explained to me in a really moving and significant way to me by one of the best professors I had in college, and so while the rest of the poem remains to me a closed book that's I'd probably stomp on and burn if given the option, I do love that line.

It begins

While there was snow on the ground when I came back from NC, I didn't really see it fall in earnest until this morning, when I drove to my doctor's appointment. It was real enough this time - I fishtailed at least four times there and back, though not severely, and saw two accidents, one involving a Pepsi semi and a pickup truck. Ouch. But I managed to get there and back unscathed, and I even enjoyed it. After all, it's pretty, it wasn't too cold, and it makes me feel Christmasy. I bought my students candy canes in Walgreens afterwards, and though to myself as I walked to my office that there really is something about winter that feels good for the soul.

Of course, I couldn't feel my toes by the time I got to the elevators, so my good cheer was a bit dampened. But still. I don't mind snow at all, and will be happy to sip chai in my kitchen tonight while looking out the window at it. Provided there's any left. But since it's supposed to hit 12 tonight, I'm sure there will be.

Schoolwork goes on. I'm so laughably behind at this point I've almost given up being stressed. Why freak out when I simply know I'm not going to finish in time? I suppose it could happen, and I'm going to try my darndest, but...whatever. I've never taken an incomplete in my life, this has been one of the most annoying semesters of all time, and I just can't see working myself into a frenzy about it. It would only end badly - I'd have somewhere between one and three nervous breakdowns, I'd run my phone bill way up looking to my mother for advice, Andy would grow weary of my constant panicking and extreme self-doubt, and I probably *still* wouldn't finish. This way, I'll just be normal-freaked, I'll work as hard as I can, and if it doesn't happen...it doesn't happen.

Or so I tell myself. Check back in 5 days or so and we may be in a different frame of mind.

I still have like 75% of my Christmas shopping to do. Not sure when *that's* going to happen. Online shopping, here I come! I hit the cousins while at home - little girls are so damn easy - and I am pretty sure about my parents and Andy, though I've yet to buy anything, but beyond that...I got little. I'm sure it'll come together. I'm already so excited to be home again for Christmas. My room, my family, trees, gifts, Pee-Wee's Christmas special, a genuine reason to bake ceaselessly...should be good times. Plus, Andy and my sister appear to have become lifelong BFFs, so who am I to keep the team apart?

Man. Friggin' grad school. Getting in the way of unabashed Christmas cheer.

Last Day

Back to Madison tomorrow.

I'm sad to leave here, since it's so comfortable and well-supplied and filled with my family, and I'm not stressed here. But at the same time, I'm ready to go back. I've fueled up here, and now I can take that energy (hopefully) and just barrel through the last two weeks of school. And then I'll be back!

But yes, Madison looks much more appealing - or at least liveable - now than it did before this trip. Which is wonderful. Plus, as much as I love my parents and siblings...it's also nice to live on my own.

Work Party!

I'm currently at the Panera on Walnut Street, listening to the Killers and working on my Trollope paper. It was a pain to get started, but it's better now - though I am realizing now why I always start early: because it BLOWS to start late and spend the last two weeks in abject panic. Sigh. Oh well...worst case is an incomplete, and that's not the end of the world. I will survive.

Ben and Andy are here too, working as well. Ben's doing book reviews for his class on semiotics, and Andy's reading DeLillo for his dissertation. It's nice...I'm enjoying it. We've been here awhile, though I don't feel like I've done enough to show for it, but with them here I feel like I can hack out a few more hours. And then shopping and home! So nice to be going back to something really fun.

Thanksgiving itself was great. Tasty food, low stress levels, adorable cousins, general enjoyment. After dinner and cleanup, Andy and I went to pick up my college friend James, whose family also moved to Cary four years ago, and he had dessert and cocktails with the family. And then it was off to Flex for the drag show, a Tarsa (18+) children holiday tradition. It was a slightly rocky start, but we all ended up having a good time. I myself had a *blast*; it's been a long time since I went out with a group to something as fun as that, and I loved it. My brother and his boyfriend, one of my favorite college people, and my own boyfriend, together, mostly drunk, and giving dollars to drag queens and cheering our lungs out. It could only have been better if it had been a karaoke night.

Friday we got a late start, but then went shopping. It wasn't too crazy, since we went later, and so it was a pretty nice day out and about. I finally bought a new camera, which I'm ecstatic about. It's a Panasonic point-and-shoot, and since I actually spent about 25 minutes reading the manual, I already know more about how to use it than I ever learned about my old one. I'm sure I'll never use 75% of its features, but it's nice to know that, should I need it, it has a special mode for taking pictures of pets. I also bought Christmas gifts for my counsins, a small one for my sister, and a few odds and ends for myself. Black Friday is the last day I'll buy myself anything til after Christmas, so I always indulge a little. Andy bought a bunch of clothes and some cute things for his niece, and we made it home in time for Melissa's birthday cake. A good day.

Today I spent the morning playing with Gabriella (and, to a lesser extent, Juliette) and watching classic Looney Toons. Around 12:30 Andy went running, and then we came here. And...that's my vacation so far.

It's pretty awesome.

Southern Living

Home in NC for Thanksgiving, with Andy.

It's wonderful. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Dreaming Spires

Boo. I miss Jamie and Tom. Last night was Waugh night at Hertford, to celebrate the illustrious author and his short tenure at the college. My first trip to Oxford was for Waugh night, and I was there for it last year as well, and so missing it this time around makes me kind of bummed. Not that like, I wasn't expecting it. One cannot expect to fly to England every November on a grad school salary. But still...boo. I miss Jamie and Tom.

Boo also to working on papers in Memorial all day. Boo.

You know what's weird? Precalls. Talk about something I would never have had to do, or even known people did, before grad school. In undergrad I just wept and gnashed my teeth when the books I wanted were gone. Now I bombard my peers with annoying emails.

Also, I really do like writing papers. I do. It's my favorite part of grad school. I hate the deadlines, the pressure, the wading through useless article after useless chapter to find the information I need, the constant pressure/guilt I feel when I'm not working and should be, and the painfulness of those first 30 minutes of a long session when you're not in the zone and would rather be watching TV on the couch. But I love the writing itself, the crafting of an idea, making the words come, adding pages to my documents, the flash of insight when it comes together. It's the best and worst part of my semester, really.

The other thing writing papers makes me realize is how much terrible academic writing there is out there. Great ideas should not need to be couched in horribly convoluted and ridiculously over-the-top terms. They should just be written. What is this notion that if your writing is clear it's not important. I maintain that this is bullshit.

Also, it's way too dark. The end.

Covered In Rain

- I'm so proud of my country. And I forgot how amazing it is to have a president I can respect, admire and want to follow. Or rather, I'm not sure I ever knew until now. It's an amazing feeling.

- Grading over 100 essays in a week is a horrible, horrible task.

- It's made even more horrible by the creeping knowledge that the semester is drawing to a close and I have done NEXT TO NOTHING for my final papers. Those who know me know that this is really unlike me - and it's freaking me the fuck out. I have a ghost of a topic for both of them, which hopefully will bloom into two full-blown topics by this time next week. Or I might die or panic.

- The weather is Not Good. I'm upset it will be so gross Saturday, since I'm taking pics outside and it will be all grey - and possibly also snowing. Oh joy.

- On a related note - I miss LA.

- Andy and Mashelle's birthday celebration tomorrow! Much drinking and cake-baking to ensue this weekend.

- I have missed lifting weights. It's nice to be back in the gym.

Turns out Ajax destroys your hands

So I spent several hours cleaning my apartment very well yesterday, and it looks very nice. I could have been doing many other things that I need to do, such as grading and planning papers and such, but I decided to clean. And I'm pleased. It makes me feel responsible and adult. I washed all my floors (which, in the case of the kitchen, *really* needed doing), cleaned all the surfaces really well (even dusted the bookshelves!), scrubbed my bathtub and shook out my rugs. And organized my cupboards. And spent a hundred dollars at Target despite only buying 20 dollars worth of non-essentials. Ahh, life on one's own.

But yeah. The girl who lived here before me left Ajax powder with bleach under the bathroom sink, so I decided to use it to try to lift the dirt in the tub and polish the fixtures. It worked tolerably well, but was hell on my hands and the clothes I was wearing, so I'll probably stick to Scrubbing Bubbles in the future. That stuff is the shit. It's the only cleaning product I actually enjoy using.

And really, I don't mind cleaning so much. I kind of like it, sometimes.

So yeah, as you can see, my life is a rollercoaster of thrills. Some fun things have happened...Chicago last weekend with Andy, reruns of Pushing Daisies, nice fall weather. But mostly my life's pretty dull. I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving, to mix things up, and then it'll be the end of the semester. Which is great.

I need to get more active. I've been basically hiding, and spending half my time in hiding asleep on my couch. So I want to get moving again, spend more time in coffeeshops, start hitting the gym again to boost my energy...that sort of thing. I promised I'd try this year, and I know after this summer that I'm capable of doing a huge amount. So...time to get going.

Also, pumpkin bread is good.

Adventures in Online Shopping

In honor of having pirateable internets again, I bought thing today online. It was a great distraction from grading.

In less fun news, I'm sick. Boo.

And this is my 150th post. Word.

Transatlanticism

Andy and I are in the midst of what is essentially  4-way Skype call to England. It's making me happy.

This is a good weekend for me. 

Whither Becca's Studies?

It's when I work the most intensely that I love my work the most.

Two Truths and a Lie

- last night I roasted a chicken

- last night I dreamed that Andy had never been on a plane

- last night I watched Fool's Gold

Ohmigosh

I have so much to do. I hate it when my weekends make me feel more panicked about my workload rather than less. But somehow, way too often, I discover on Sunday afternoon that I've forgotten how I'm supposed to - for example - read an entire book by Bourdieu by Tuesday. And then my entire schedule falls apart and I hate myself for spending my Saturday evening watching Ratatouille with A and giggling about classic Looney Tunes instead of busily grading and such.

But I mean, I will read the book. And the movie was fantastic. And hell, what's the point of life if you can't sometimes choose Pixar over theorists?

But no more baking for this girl until I make some headway in the field of cultural production.

Some brief thoughts

- Grading takes FOREVER. Somehow, even though I've been hearing people bitch about it for a year now, I didn't internalize this fact. I will be buying myself a K-style timer sometime in the next few days. Sheesh. I've been working for two hours and I have three out of 19 essays done. Gah.

- Still adoring my apartment. It needs numerous things still - a rug, pictures, shelves in the bathroom, etc - but it's mine and it's (almost) perfectly clean and I love it. Living alone is amazing. I can't imagine getting sick of it ever, although people tell me I will.

- Stemming from that last one, I've been cooking and baking up a storm. Tikka Masala, mushroom and Camembert pasta, chicken korma, Mexican cupcakes, the classic chocolate chip cookies...the list goes on. I'm gearing up to tackle cake-making this coming week, which hopefully won't go too badly. Cooking is fun, it turns out. Next week I'm determined to move on to pork. Loin or chops, I'm not sure, but something pig-related.

- I miss LA.

- Life is still good. I miss all the time I had for reflection this summer, but I still find a minute or two to snatch at it. My mental landscape has changed so dramatically since May, but it's surprising - and maybe even a little comforting - how being back in HCW still feels so much the same.

- Champagne is amazing.

- I'm going to Etoile on Tuesday. This is very exciting.

Yup, Still Happy

About pretty much everything. Except how little time I seem to have suddenly. But it's okay, I like being busy.

This was a good night

Right now I am drinking a toast to myself with the last of the champagne Marshelle and I shared today. The reason for the celebration is that I realized tonight, after coming home late from an after-closing drink, that I had a really really amazing summer. And one of the ways I know it was really the best is that I'm so excited for school to start. I love my job and I had a blast the past three months, but I'm so ready to get back into the swing of the department and see what it will be like to have that and my work life too.

I'm sure this feeling of total contentment won't last much beyond the first time I have to grade papers, read Balzac and work at the Ring all in the same night, but I'm running with it while I can. I let things unfold organically this summer, and damn if it didn't pay off. In spades.

Ugh

Moving is awful. Today was awful. The next two days will be awful. Well, Friday might only be half-awful. But probably all awful.

And man I have a lot of stuff. Way more than I thought. How did I possibly get it here? Has it really doubled in volume since I moved here? Holy cow.

I feel comfortable saying this is one of the very busiest times in my life to date. I have *so* much going on. I was enjoying it til this week, and hopefully once I'm moved I'll enjoy it again. But damn, it's a lot. Whew.

Chill

So tonight, in the colder late-night (early morning?) air, I was reminded of fall and how much I love it - and I suddenly was actively looking forward to fall, the season, the change in the air and in the wardrobes, the crispness, the beauty, the everything. The season itself became this exciting event on the horizon.

I like that feeling. I'm going to chase it.

Release the Stars

So I'm back.

What a trip. I had an absolute blast. As I was telling Andy, it's so rare to have a vacation where nothing goes wrong, and yet that's more or less what this one was like. No delays, no problems, nothing - aside from some clouds on beach day, I suppose. But still...wonderful. It was so nice to see Kate, to realize that everything is just like it was at AU, to hang out at her place chatting about this and that in our lives. I'm so glad to know she's got a great life out there, with good friends and a sweet apartment, in a city she genuinely loves. Having my friends happy is such a nice feeling.

I did so much while I was there. Some low-key nights wandering around West Hollywood, lots of good shopping, the beach, hiking, Jeff's show, a couple sweet bars, a rooftop party on a gorgeous patio, a hot club, meeting tons of new people...all these new things, and new things are what I like best. Well, like I said before...new things and old friends. But new friends too.

(It still cracks me up a little to see Kate and Jeff together, especially as they met totally apart from me. The world is indeed a small place.)

And yet, despite the trip being so great...I wasn't too broken up about leaving. It was hard to say goodbye to Kate, and I did love it there, but I felt really good about coming back to Madison. For one, I know I'll be back there...possibly for awhile, but certainly for a bit. And second...I liked what I was coming back to. Sure I have tons on my plate right now, and moving will be really trying, but I am pretty happy with my life here right now. Marshelle's almost done Latin, Andy will soon be done prelims, I still like my jobs, I can't wait to get out of this apt and into the new one...there's some good stuff here. Definitely enough to make me happy to come back. And given how I felt in June, that's worth a lot.

...oh LA. A toast - to back alley princes, hedges, the Goo Goo Dolls, libraries and Lost. And champagne and beauty and heels and great friends and old flames and pool and thrift stores and the ocean and youth and excitement and aggressive driving and ice blendeds and sketch comedy and sunglasses and palm trees and gay waiters at brunch and people doing what they love. And Kate. And me. And whatever comes next.

I have some really kick-ass people in my life.

It's Hard to Swim in a City This Shallow

Well, I'm in LA.

And it's great. The whole trip so far has gone like clockwork, with nary a snag. My flights were bang on time, my luggage came up quickly, Jeff was waiting for me outside security, there was no traffic...it's been great.

I'm having a blast. I worked so much last week, and this summer in general, that I barely know what to do with myself here while Kate is at work. It's like, free time? While the sun is out? I'm not sure how that works anymore. But it's great. Last night she and I had cocktails with one of her friends, then wandered around chatting before going back to her house to relax with wine, TV and more chatting. Lots to catch up on, after all. It's so good to see her...I'm really happy we're having this chance to catch up, to just hang out like we used to. And her new place is really cute, near all sorts of cool stuff.

Today I woke up at 8, since I went to bed at 10:30, lounged around, then took a walk for about an hour until I got too hot and came back to Kate's. Turns out LA isn't as ugly as they say, or at least not the parts I've seen...it's kind of charming, actually. Anyhow, 45 minutes of Project Runway later, Jeff swung by and grabbed me for lunch with Kate, Matt, Kate's work friend and Matt's roommate. We went to a really cute little cafe, and although the wait was long, the food when it arrived was both plentiful and delicious. Yumminess.

Tonight Kate and I are going hiking and out for frozen yogurt, and tomorrow is Jeff's show. It's such a nice vacation. I like it here a lot...I'm not sure if I was just starved for a city or what, but it's a good place to be, it was a good choice. I don't miss Madison at all (not yet anyhow) and wish I could stay longer. But then, it's only my first full day.

How I love new places and old friends.

Working Girl

So my huge week of working is finally over. Whew. By last night I was completely burned out, clocking out at midnight when I clearly could have doubled my money by staying later. But I just didn't have it in me. I was exhausted. Not that I went home, of course; I might have if I could have played pool when I got off, but all the tables were full so I stayed until close and played with Rebecca for awhile. I played really well my first game, which made me feel all cool until I had another shot and immediately started being terrible again. Oh well.

It was a dramatic night at the restaurant, complete with belligerent drunks, asshole dudes and inter-staff quarrels. There were two bachelor parties, one coming from and one heading to Visions, the local (and shitty) strip club. There were drunk groomsmen from the wedding next door. There were some asshats from Lord knows where who refused to leave when we closed because it was 2:25 and not 2:30. There were numerous *really* over-the-top comments made to Rebecca and myself. In retrospect, maybe it's best I clocked out when I did. I'm not easily riled, but I was close to stabbing someone in the face by the time I left. And that's not even touching the dude who thought he was the shit because he's an unassigned agent for Homeland Security. Dude, don't wave your government job in my face. You have no idea how unimpressed I am.

On the plus side, all that simmering rage last night and the general running around this week have had their pros: I have officially lost all the weight I gained last fall. Who knows if it will last once the stress of reading (and decyphering) "The Ring and the Book" and others of its ilk kicks in, but despite having given up running a few weeks ago out of laziness and sleep-deprivation, I've kicked the last of the ten pounds that were graduate school's final insult-to-injury. Thank you, weight training and service jobs.

So over the past few days, people have been writing ideas for "politically-themed" cocktails on the dry erase board in the kitchen, and when I came in last night there were so many good ones I had to transcribe the list. Some of them are pretty good in my opinion. There's talk of doing a menu of them around election time, which I think would be a pretty good gimmick. Any other ideas to add? Here's the best of them:

-Monica Lewinsky-Coke
- Black and Ann Coulter
- Dick Champagney
- Osama Bin Lager
- Ross Merlot
- Jager-Obama
- Baracktail
- Newt Gin-grich
- Hilary Clin and Tonic
- Fuzzy Nader
- Pale Ale Gore
- Mitt Julep
- Rumney and Coke
- Arrogant Bushtard
- Huckabeefeater
- Al Frankenskaaner

and my personal favorite....

- Condoquila Sun Rice

I enjoy my job.

Summer Skin

So aside from a few upsetting dreams and the appalling state of my apartment, life is pretty good. I'm making bank this week (rightfully so, since I'm working close to 70 hours), the weather is cooling off a bit, I bought a new bikini that I love, and I'm going to see Batman tonight.

And I am taking a vacation in 6 days.

I haven't had a real vacation since Thanksgiving, and I feel like I need this one almost as much if not more than I needed that one. I've been working very hard, but more than that, I'm just getting a little to close to life here, and I need a break. Sure, this isn't the wisest financial choice I've ever made. But I worked my ass off this summer, and so I'm pleased I could do this. And I mean, there are four letters that sum up the reason LA was the best choice, and they are KATE.

On the downside, Jamie and Tom have been entirely MIA for weeks now, which is kind of tough. It's sad that they feel farther away when they are geographically closer, but these are the perils of having cool friends who live overseas.

As I listen to Deathcab in my room, I'm really wishing I hadn't left my iPod at work for Joe. Grrrr. Oh well. Maybe I can steal the brother's, although his taste is not mine, to say the least.

This trip is well-timed. When I return, it will be time to get down to brass tacks concerning school. I'm hoping to finish at least one novel while I'm gone, and another before classes begin. I still need to tell Heather my new availability for work and hash all that out (not something I'm excited for), and plot out all the various dates for school. I need to move. I need to ask people at work if they can help me move my bed, since it won't fit in my car. I need to apply for a loan (sadly...too many G&Ts this summer). I need to talk to Con. I need to call Becca S. And Adam. And the other Adam.

But you know...so what? I can handle that stuff. After this trip summer begins to close, but I had a *wonderful* summer. There was no one thing that characterized it, but I've learned a lot about...lots of things, I started playing pool, I got some (if not all) of my shit together, I lived with Ben...good stuff.

Hopefully it's not an "other shoe" kind of situation.

Coming Up From Behind

Great song.

Right now, I'm drinking a glass of cheap white wine, about to finish getting ready and go over to work to practice some shots. I woke up very late, around 12:45, and walked to the gym, where I had a brief but satisfying workout. (The assisted pullup machine is finally back, so I worked the hell out of my back and triceps. Tomorrow will be interesting.) On the way there I stopped in Ragstock and tried a few shirts on but didn't buy anything. On the way back I talked to my mom on the phone for a long time. Here at home I ate some leftovers from yesterday's MadFusion lunch, chatted with Keith and relaxed. I contemplated the park, but decided against it due to wind factor, and will probably go tomorrow. Last night I waited on a big group of friends from school (I love that I have multiple kinds of friends now!), made reasonable money in the pool room and had a really good time messing around with people after work, both there and at Mark's place. I called a few people. I wrote down a lot of thoughts. I walked myself home at dawn.

I am so, so much happier than I was 8 weeks ago. And of all my summer goals, that was the most important one, even if I didn't word it quite that way in my head. Though time is passing far too quickly, I am beginning to relish the thought of going back to school, of rewriting my current routine to put back in those other things that make me feel like myself - the books, the mental gymnastics needed to understand most theory, the poorly-lit linoleum jungle of HCW.

And I love pool. And I'm going to LA. And Kitten's home. Right now I not only believe that the world is beautiful, but maybe even that my life is too. (Mostly, anyone...if you leave my apartment out of it.)

A-Bars and LA

I had a big longer entry in progress about this weekend and all the A-bars and hilarity it contained, but really, it comes down to several small points:

- I went out WAY too much this week and spent too much, but it was really fun.

- Rebecca from work is awesome. The organic growth of our friendship seems promising. Going out for her birthday (twice!) was really fun, and it's nice to branch out like that.

- Work is slow, but it's going well regardless.

- My brother is great.

- I know learning Latin is useful and all, but I have begun bearing a grudge against this dead language for stealing all Marshelle's summer hours. Stupid Latin.

- I'm 95% sure I'm going to LA at month's end. Buying tickets today or tomorrow. Sun, ocean, superficiality and Kate Tatem. A winning combo.

Now it's time to clean the kitchen and go running. Happy weekend, all.

My Yankee Doodle Joy

I realized in the shower today that, along with Christmas and New Year's, the 4th of July is one of the only days of the year where I can effortlessly remember what I was doing each year, stretching back at least half a decade if not longer. Having been in DC for college, the 4th becomes kind of a New Year's Eve on steroids, where everyone you know or knew congregates in the District to drink and scramble around on the roof watching fireworks and celebrating the fact that we were all lucky enough to spend those golden years somewhere so cool. So the years I *missed* this extravaganza are just as clear if not more so as the ones I was there.

Exactly a year ago today I was in DC with Justin. I think we saw a movie during the day (Crank?), then went over to the Garfield House, of all places, to celebrate with the young 'uns and (in my case at least) have frightening flashbacks of such undergrad events as the Two Articles party and the first time I ever saw Con. The year before that I was in Bedford for Becca's wedding, which was a very different kind of wonderful, and the year before that was another DC year, another party at the Urban Oasis (are they still calling it that?). I remember Kevin loaning me his car, driving back to the house on Massachusetts with the windows down and the fireworks popping outside. The year before that I was with Jeff, and we were supremely lazy, lounging around Adam's place and doing almost nothing out of the ordinary.

Today I'm going to a BBQ and then to Thom's party for an hour or so, then working til close. I'm not too broken up about working, really...I'm pretty certain I'm taking a trip at the end of the month, so the money is welcome. Plus, it won't kill me not to drink tonight (or much, anyhow). I've been drinking too much and not sleeping nearly enough, so I plan to celebrate the 4th with some school friends and some cash in hand. And the Madison weather is gorgeous.

But I'm missing DC. When the sun sets and the parties start up...I know I'll be thinking about NW and Justin and the feeling of being with the people I knew for those years. It's almost enough to make me wish I'd never left.

Almost.

On Waking at the Wrong Cross St at 7:36AM

I have got to tweak my summer lifestyle. Just a bit.

Cold Hard Bitch

Happy birthday, Justin.

One of the best friends ever. If there's a reason to wish I'd never left DC, it's Justin. The extent to which I miss him gets covered by many other things, but it's huge nonetheless.

Maybe DC really is calling. It certainly seems like it lately...

On My Way to Work, But...

Man. After facebooking a few friends from the high school/early college period...I kind of miss the person I used to be. Not just how it felt, but who it was.

And the internet makes the past way too accessible.

In Brief

- Seven in the morning is much to early to wake up, but I do really enjoy my days with Chloe and Malia. While it has its tedious moments, just like anything else ("but it's my tennis racket!" "but I wanted to be the first one in the car!"), it makes me happy to spend time with this family that is so obviously happy and together, and with these girls who still love using sidewalk chalk to make obstacle courses out of the driveway.

- My other jobs continues to be great too, although it's been kind of slow lately. Everyone should come in more while I'm working.

- Having Ben here is incredible. I really hope all his job stuff resolves in the next few days so we can really get down to the business of having fun.

- I miss NH. I want to go back at the end of July when the Allens take vacation. I want to see my cousin learn to walk. I want to see the ocean. I want to make sure the view of Manchester from Shirley Hill remains unchanged. 

- Today I ran five miles with minimal walking. I am pleased.

- Nothing in my life is as dangerous as nostalgia.

Three Cheers for Restaurant Life!

It just might be what can keep me alive.

Also, I've got to stop drunk shopping. While my Amazon purchase is turning out to have been a great decision, it's very dangerous. I should be saving my money for travel and school, not clicking my way to consumer nirvana in the wee hours.

Summer Takes Shape

Not quite the shape I'd expected, and in need of a few tweaks (Ben's presence does have downsides...), but still pretty good. Both jobs have lows in addition to highs, but I like them both a lot. Getting up at 7:30 is rough, I can't deny it, and cocktailing stretches my comfort zone sometimes, but I like them both a lot in different ways...they speak to different parts of me, which is nice. And Ben being here is just awesome.

But I'm growing again. That annoying, nagging mental process where another 2% of your brain comes to life and reveals something new about your life. It's sometimes wonderful, sometimes terrifying, always awesome in the literal sense of the word. It makes me want to cry, to laugh, to walk, to wonder, to hide, and to write...most of all to write, although I haven't yet. Soon, I hope.

Also...I got into the a cappella group I tried out for! It's been a long process, but I finally got through it, and they asked me to join. I'm really excited...it's the kind of thing I should have sought out long go, and now that I have I can tell I'm going to love it. As I've said before, nothing can be Dime, but...it's a way of putting something of myself out there that I've been lacking, and a way of being worth more than either what I can say or what I can write. Also, everyone in it seems cool as hell.

Things I miss: Lost, Becca S, Bethany, my family, high school vision, Dime, winter trips, Beauty, France, New England, J&T, my childhood

Things I'm thrilled to have: my jobs, my brother, new strength (weights etc!), John Irving novels, my Company Store blanket, my blue purse, Tom's plans to visit, stamina for running, perspective - no matter how flawed, my car, 

Neither list complete. Also, summer will not be long enough. I've become sure of it.

Here's to Us - Who's Like Us?

Damn few...

Anyhow. Ben is here. Last night we went out together, and...yeah. Amazing. Ben is here and I'm sososo happy about it.

Yay.

Bar Time

Last night I stayed up til dawn.

It might be a good sumer after all.

The Indie Superhighway

Preface: everyone listen to Elbow's The Seldom Seen Kid if you have not already.

Anyhow...just the other day I was listening to Grounds for Divorce and thinking it was only a matter of time before it showed up in a trailer. And voila! The Coen brothers snap it up. I'm glad it made it into a good film...it's too awesome a song not to.

Also, this movie looks awesome.

Allo Meteo!

It's official...my brother arrives on Tuesday. Words can't describe how excited I am. Plus my new job seems really great. Plus I hear the Lost finale is killer. Plus today was way better than yesterday.

But...mostly my brother. Summer hijinx, here I come.

För I mina ögon är hon alltid en bott

God I miss Jamie and Tom.

D-d-d-danger! Look Behind You!

Well, I'm back in Madison.

Both my trips were great. Chicago was really fun, a great change from Madison and a reminder that yes, there are still real cities out there. I ate HUGE amounts of food, I chatted with Maeve, we shopped, we went to possibly the swankest bar/lounge I've ever been in, we walked, we ate ice cream, we slept in. It was great. I'm looking forward to going back again at some point this summer - maybe with Ben in tow...?

Home was wonderful. I got there without incident (flying out of Madison is so nice), and Ben picked me up. It's always so nice to be in my family's house and with them, even if NC isn't exactly home. In some ways it's better, perhaps...I spend all my time with my family now when I visit Cary, instead of being distracted by the millions of other things I'd be distracted by if they still lived in NH. I'd probably visit more though, so maybe it would even out. At any rate, it was a really nice week. My mother's birthday made for some nice festivities, and I did a bunch of much-needed shopping with everyone. I also saw Iron Man and Indiana Jones, both of which I really enjoyed. IM was overall the better film, but I thought IJ was really fun - not as good as Raiders or Crusade, but definitely worthwhile. I love that they brought back Marion and not some unrealistically gorgeous new love interest. It made it that much sweeter, and helped it feel connected to the originals. Ben and I went at midnight, which was great.

Kitten and I didn't get as much face time as I'd have liked while I was home, but it's tough since she's still in school. I got to see a little more of her boyfriend, who seems pretty cool, and we did have a few good talks. She's so cool. Ben and I didn't get as much time as I'd have wanted either, but I'm less concerned about that because...he's moving up here! It's not quite a sure thing yet, but it's pretty sure. I'm *so* excited. Ben's pretty much the best, and having him here will make a huge difference in my summer. We've always wanted to live together, and it's just going to be so fun. So while it was still really hard to leave Cary and I really really didn't want to come back, it was made much easier by the knowledge that he'll probably be here in less than a week. And then the good times will roll. Or something.

I managed to make it to my first day of job training today despite some flight snags caused by serious thunderstorms in Nashville. It wasn't anything intense today, but it went well and I think I'll like working there. The kitchen is tiny for such a big place, which seems like it must get tricky, but people seem nice and fairly friendly. I wish I was starting a bit sooner, but I'm sure I'll need the time to get used to everything. I'm pretty excited about it, actually. Sadly they don't seem to be hiring anyone else...if Ben moved here and worked at the same place as me, that would really be ridiculous.

So today was busy. Training, picking up the car (under 250! yay!), groceries, gym, cleaning...now I'm relaxing a bit and waiting for the phone to ring. I started rereading Until I Find You yesterday while flying and am enjoying it again...it's not Irving's best, but it's still entertaining. 

So...yeah. Home was nice, wish I'd stayed longer, wish I'd taken the trip I'd originally been supposed to, wish it was warmer here, etc, but so far, so good.

Les Mugets

Walking home from campus today, I passes a row of lily of the valley in bloom. They've been my favorite flower (along with lilacs) since I was very little, and I hadn't seen any growing like that in years. It made me smile; they smell so beautiful and are so delicate. I remember when I was in Paris, how all of a sudden in May people everywhere in the streets were selling bunches of them, and all the corners smelled amazing. They're a little thing, but they make me happy.

Suite Francaise

Note to self - if you're feeling depressed and lonely, reading a book about the horrors of Occupation set in the French countryside is probably not the best choice. No matter how great a book it may be.

But the book is great, and I am loved despite defections, and my papers advance well, and Maeve and her metropolis beckon, and the Cote du Rhone makes wine that reminds me of nights in Haute-Vienne, and these are all good things. Maybe time will mend all ills, maybe Beauty will come around, maybe Tom and Jamie will make it here this summer, maybe fuel charges will drop, maybe I'll understand Deleuze. 

And I'm going home in exactly a week. Possibilities are endless.

You've Got Your Twenty-Sided Die - and You Like to Throw Them Down

Listening to Jamie's radio show pleases me greatly. She played Lil' Pocket Knife for me this week, which made it even better. I get a dose of uber-indie music, I get to laugh, I get to watch Jamie and her guest DJ dance via a webcam that refreshes every 15 seconds...it's good times.

There's a reason I wasn't a Drama major

And so it continues.

Today wasn't too bad. I slept later than I have in I don't know how long, and I probably would have slept even longer still except Marshelle called and asked to use my internet. So I dragged myself up and out to the gym, then over to Barriques where I worked on Caroline's paper for awhile. The paper is going alright, I guess...I keep forgetting about bits and pieces of my topic and then loudly touting them as I remember to make up for it. Not ideal. 

I was in a weird mood all day, kind of anxious and agitated and upset, but it helped to work with Marshelle and Kristiane there. I got a reasonable amount done, and I think I'm on track to finish as I'd planned. 

In the evening, I headed out to an audition for an a cappella group. I had seen the ad and thought vaguely about trying out, but then I went to Kevin's quartet performance and it really made me think about how nice it would be to have something musical in my life again. So I went, and I think it went pretty well. They have a lot of people auditioning so who knows, but I'm happy with how well I managed to sing and learn a part since I haven't done anything remotely organized in that line for two years.

Damn. College is receding behind me at an alarming rate.

Now, time for cookies and Lost with Andy. Last night when I came home from Maduros I had an overwhelming urge to make (and eat, admittedly) cookie dough, so I did, and also was sober enough to roll it all into cookies and freeze them, so now I have 24 frozen balls of dough ready to be made into cookies. Well 16...I made us 8 for tonight. :-)

Oh summer. Please arrive.

Sometimes I think of leaving, it's something I'll never do

Today, I began writing my last paper. I'm reaching that point where "pride in my work" becomes a quaint, old-fashioned idea and I just want to be *done*. But since this paper is for Caroline, I hope it turns out at least reasonably well. She seemed okay with my topic, so hopefully it'll be alright.

Yesterday I felt partially transported back to Limoges, or at least my mode of life there. After my job interview waaaaay down Monroe street, I decided not to wait 30 minutes for a bus and instead just walk. I passed Trader Joe's on the way and stopped in to buy a bottle of wine and some bread, then kept walking for much much further than I usually do here. (I gave up and caught a bus at Johnson because I was wearing really impractical shoes and couldn't go any further.) It reminded me of last year, when buses were infrequent and not free, and when instead we would walk miles and miles every day. From the Residence down rue Meissonier, then right onto Mauvendiere, down past Place Winston and Malin Plaisir, then through Place d'Aine and past the SNCF office, past Les Halles, down rue Turgot past all the stores to Jean Jaures and Monoprix. We'd buy some vegetables, a few apples, a cut or two of meat for a few days of dinner, cereal, cheese, bread, maybe some soda if we were feeling flush, and of course some wine. Con and I would decide what we'd be eating alone and what together, and split things accordingly. We'd promise not to buy so much wine and do it anyhow, justifying it by saying we'd earned it for putting up with our spartan poverty-stricken existence of walking everywhere. Then back home, maybe via Francois Chenieux this time, past the Grand Ecran and Cafe Bombay. The whole trip was over 3 miles, with groceries on the way back, but it felt like nothing, we did it so often...sometimes three times a day. Con walked over ten miles a day the days he went to La Souterraine for school, and I spent most of my lunch hours wandering around Feytiat's bizarre French version of suburbia. I miss that, like I miss most things about last year, and I'm looking forward to walking more this summer. 

Maybe I'll do another assistantship while I'm dissertating. That would be really nice.

Also, the Limoges gym? So crazy. Although Sebastian, the incredibly fit and attractive co-owner, made for more reliable eye candy than you get at the UW gym.

In other news, this paper's going to be really long. Boooo.

I chose the right Area

I just spent over an hour reading critical articles on Dickens that aren't really relevant to my paper. But turns out, I like reading Victorian criticism that's textually-based. Like, a lot. Interesting.

I still hate theory though.

Marginalia Joys

So I'm reading this mostly boring book about feminist readings of the bildungsroman (and I have to admit, I kind of hate feminist criticism), but it's just been made 100 times better by the marginalia of whoever had it before me. Next to a discussion of how women, since they're already 'castrated,' stay passive and infantile, is written "Fuck you, Freud," underlined twice.

Ha.

I want this to be over.

Sunday

I did almost nothing productive this week. Let's hope the next 10 days are a bit better a performance. 

Neruda Always Knows

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Vanessa Williams was almost right

It's flat-out snowing right now. 

Motherfucking Wisconsin.

Sunday Night

Well, today may not have been a good day in the traditional sense of the word, but it was certainly productive. I got loads of work done, I regained some semblance of belief in my own competency as a student, and I got some very sound advice from Marshelle. All of these are good things.

And I still have three more days off. W00t.

Saturday thoughts

I need a quick break before launching into the section of paper I just outlined, so...some thoughts.

1) I want to be a nicer person. I used to be nice...I remember being really nice when I was in grade school, considerate and non-judgmental and less gossip-prone. Okay maybe not that last one. But I am pretty sure I used to be nicer, and I kind of hate it about myself that I'm not so much anymore. I wouldn't say I'm a mean person; it's not so strong a trait that it's defining. But I've grown snarky, snide and certainly more judging, and I don't like that. That's not what I wanted to be like when I was younger, it's something that just kind of crept up on me without my thinking about it. And I want to change. I expect it will be hard...turns out it's true what they say and that it's easier to slide down than climb up. Goodness knows I've learned this. But I think I can be nicer. It seems a small step.

2) I like being in grad school when I'm working hard on final papers for long stretches and have breakthroughs. I like being in grad school when I get assignments back with professorial praise on them. I like being in grad school when I feel like I performed well in class (which is almost never). I like being in grad school when I think about how, when I'm a professor, all I'll do is teach people about books and work really hard on papers for long stretches and have breakthroughs. I like grad school when it means I have a whole summer to play with kids and serve food (hopefully) and frolic with my friends. I like grad school when I see my friends. I like grad school when I can see the lake.

3) I don't like grad school when I have to work on final papers that I feel are deeply mediocre, and whose breakthroughs don't quite make it all the way through the wall. I don't like grad school when I have to present those deeply mediocre papers to my peers. I don't like grad school when I'm reminded of how incredibly bad I am at synthesizing theoretical concepts by listening to people be really good at doing just that. I don't like grad school when I realize what an incredible drawback my perpetual lack of ambition is in a field where drive is the difference between an 'A' on a paper and a paper that will eventually get published. I don't like grad school when it isolates me. I don't like grad school when I'm working frantically to produce papers I'm not ashamed to turn in while also dealing with emotionally draining personal drama. I don't like grad school when I think about how it means I can't move for 6 years.

4) I love Top Chef. I can't believe they sent both the lesbians home...seems like an odd production decision, since there could have been some good drama there. And Lisa really needs to go. I hate her.

5) I want to make cupcakes this week, but I don't have the ingredients, and I know if I go to the store there's no way I'll only buy what I need, and since I can't afford to go grocery shopping this week, they may have to wait. I think all I need is a baking bar for flavoring the frosting; while I haven't actually confirmed that with the recipe, I'm awash with eggs and butter, and the sugar/flour supply is going strong. So if some kind soul wants to buy me one, there's cupcakes in it for you. That is, if I ever see Renee again so I can get my pan back. :-)

6) I've been eating a bit less and working out more, and I feel better. Here's hoping this indicates a new leaf and not a fluke week. 

It's about *exchange*, not *price.* Ahhhh.

Major progress on Shakespeare today. The end is nigh, I think. I might not even have to learn space theory. If I press on I can finish it today, and while it's by no means great, it will be done enough that I can check it off my mental list, with maybe a few hours devoted to it at the end for fixes. Oh, and to make it a conference paper. Because if there's one thing I want to do with my mediocre work, it's slap together a shortened version of it and read it aloud to my peers.

Con told me he was proud of me today. It made me happy. 

Today is going well. I'm going to press on for hopefully another three hours or so, but I'm happy with myself. With this paper under control, I can see the-I-Word-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named receeding over the horizon. Next in my line of sight is my Sister Carrie paper, which I had a meeting about today that went well. 

23 days between me and the summer. I'm actually incredibly excited about having a job, working...having money coming in and not just streaming out. You know how when you were little your inner tube would get a little hole, but you couldn't see it, and no matter what you patched the air would keep streaming out leaving your ass practically all the way in the water and you looking like an idiot? My bank account is like that inner tube. I can't wait to get another job and start the one I have lined up.

I got a mild sunburn yesterday reading on the Terrace. I know, I know, melanoma cancer death wrinkle blah blah blah, but it made me incredibly happy. It is warm enough outside to BURN me. After this winter, that's something to celebrate.

Standing on your mother's porch, you told me it would last forever

I'm so nostalgic lately. For like, everything. For college, of course, for Dime and fraternity parties and the days when I didn't drink and when I had more than one group of friends and no responsibilities and when getting a good grade was the height of my academic concerns. And for every summer of my life, with family vacations of varying successes, and working at Alapage all alone in Nashua waiting for Jeff to come in and pick me up so we could adjourn to The Garden, for driving along the coast on Rt 1 all the way from Hampton to Portsmouth, for being so unconcerned with everything.

I'm even nostalgic for high school, maybe that most of all, actually, because what I really miss is that sense that the world is amazing and that the simplest things are worth being excited about. For example, I remember being excited - SO excited - about chorus concerts. Chorus concerts were the shit. You dressed up, people looked at you, I usually sang a solo which was SUCH a big deal, you were with your friends at school late and night and could run around the halls even though you weren't supposed to, and afterwards someone's parents would lend them the car so we could all stay out late and eat ice cream at Blake's. When I started dating Mike I'd go out with him and his cool jazz band friends after shows, and *then*...then I would really feel cool. 

...I digress. The point is, nothing like that happens anymore. I don't feel like that anymore, even about the things that I probably could, if I was feeling more like myself. I know I still have it in me to feel wonder and giddiness about my life, it still happens every once and awhile. But man...when I was young it happened *all* the time. Going out with boys. I remember when going out with boys, going *anywhere* with boys, was monumental. The mall, the Garden, the movies, the park. I remember when going to someone's apartment was the most incredible thing in the world, because who lived alone? No one! I remember...

I remember being young. And innocent. And untarnished, and unjaded, and when becoming cynical was my biggest fear because my father told me that was something you never wanted to be. If I could add one thing back into my life, it would be that sense of wonder, of newness, of novelty. That's why it's so hard to convince myself the best days are yet to come - it's because no matter what happens, I won't feel about it like I used to. Or at least, right now it seems like I won't. But I supposed there's always hope.

...anyhow. The real reason for this post is that I think I have a topic - and argument! - for my Sister Carrie paper. More research is needed, but I'm feeling good. 

Finally...I feel it kicking in

One of my most memorable moments from the end of last semester is watching a Flight of the Conchords episode to wind down one night and having to pause the episode at one point to mull over the postcolonial implications of a particular scene. I'm fairly sure I blogged about it at the time. It made me feel like a huge stupid nerd, but it was still kind of a cool feeling, and very indicative of how incredibly wrapped up I was in the fury of the final weeks.

Well.

I'm watching Top Chef over dinner as a break from Sister Carrie and her terrifyingly-close-to-home vapidity, and my thoughts keep drifting over to the Hayden White article we discussed in class this week, and the way in which narrative is not something natural, and how weird it must be for these people to have their lives forced into a narrative arc, and on and on.

People, the end is nigh. 

Electric Earth

I keep wasting time on the internets.

But my draft is nearly ten pages, so I'm calling it done, sending it to HD and bowing my head to await the chopping.

And moving on to the papers I actually care about.

Of Jobs and Weekends

My weekend in DC was really great. We have our problems just like anyone, but Con's amazing, and he showed it. Romantic getaway in Old Town, nice dinner, adorable gift, hardcore study sessions...these are the things grad school romance is made of.

Also, today I secured summer employment! It's part time and I'll be looking for something else restaurant-y, but I am *so* excited about this job. It's watching two little girls, 3 and 7, who are both gorgeous and seem really fun, with distinct personalities, outgoing, interesting...it's going to be really nice for me. I miss being around kids so much that I've begun just staring hungrily at the cute ones I see in the street, which makes their parents uncomfortable, I'm sure. I just...love kids. I love them. Sometimes it makes me feel like a reject from the 50s, all housewife-y and such, but mostly it just makes me happy. I love kids and kids love everything, and it's a window into that kind of joy, when life was only possibilities and porcelain tea sets and glittery rock collections and bubbles, to name a few things these two girls reminded me I used to love. So it will be nice to spend a few days a week with these unbelievably cute kids (in their incredibly classy and well-appointed house, driving their parents' fairly nice car, lounging by the pool using the pool pass they bought me so I can watch the girls at their lessons, making 12 bucks an hour) reminding myself that life is still something that can inspire wonder and simple delight, and that someday I will have a family of my own.

And I still hate Shakespeare.

From a DC coffeehouse

Nearly 8 pages, and about to have steak for dinner.

Things could be worse.

(But these 8 pages probably couldn't be. Unless they just said "Shakespeare is SO smart!!!11" over and over.)

It's a World of Hopes, It's a World of Fears

It is a fucking small world, after all.

Example A) One of my close friends from college, someone who, though we grew apart in the final year, I was very close to, randomly met Con's best friend from home in NYC and now they hang out all the time.

Example B) I was friended on Facebook today by some dude I had a minor crush on in 7th grade and haven't seen since we left middle school, and he is also friends with a guy I met while I was visiting Jamie at Oxford. Across a fucking ocean.

Example C) my ex-boyfriend Jeff's roommate's cousin is a contestant on Top Chef. I was in the act of watching Top Chef when he told me this.

I can't tell whether to revel in the benevolent aura holding us all together or be fucking creeped out as shit.

We're a Capra Film With The Last Scene Missing

I don't care what you say, Andy, "Church of John Coltrane" is an awesome song. For that line alone!

Working. Today isn't going quite as well as I might have hoped, but it's only 6, after all. So far I've done a little reading for my OMF paper, taken a nap in a Barriques chair, eaten Indian food (duh, it's Tuesday), met with Caroline, taken a nap on the 4th floor and written a page more of Shakespeare. Sigh. I hate the end of the semester.

I'm going to be 24 soon. Ick.

But it will be 74 and sunny when I arrive in DC on Friday. Joyous. And Justin's taking me for a birthday dinner while Con's in class! Double joyness. Now if I could just get two more pages of this paper done...

Breaking Down the Berlin Wall That Is My Shakespeare Paper

Well, I may have less than four pages of critical research, but I have still taken the first step: opening a new document, formatting it, and writing my introduction. I am 1/10th done my draft requirement.

And totally taking Kevin's advice in terms of quality. Nonetheless...one incredibly, unbelievably infinitesimal step for Shakespeare scholarship as a whole (if not, honestly, a step backwards), one giant fucking step for me!

Impact

...wow Se, jie is an incredible movie. 

Shakesfeare

So after many hours of completely wasted time thinking about a paper topic on the Sonnets, and then maybe ten to fifteen hours of coming up with a completely new paper topic about Merchant of Venice, I think I have something I can work with. I spent three or so hours just working with the text and my lil' noggin, and wrote what amounts to an incredibly informal (at one point I paraphrase Lorenzo as saying "Dude, lay off, I had other shit going on"), 2 1/2-page version of my paper. It's not awesome, it's certainly not anything terribly original, but it's enough to get me a ten-page draft, whose comments will hopefully drag me to the finish line.

I'm not showing it to HD. Not only because it contains phrases like the one mentioned above, but also because I just cannot deal with anything else from her until the draft is complete. I know I can write a paper with a topic that will in the end be more or less what I am working with now, and so I'm just going to forge ahead with the draft and deal with her complete and utter disagreement with everything afterwards. Writing this paper is like pulling teeth. And fingernails. And something else that would be really hard and painful to pull. 

It's almost 7:30. I'm going to peruse some books and articles, write my email for my Meridian presentation, and then go home and thumb through OMF to remind myself what I'm writing that paper about.

But on the plus side, today reminded me that Madison can be somewhere I'm happy to live, and also that, when this semester staggers painfully to a close, I will have a summer of sunshine and terrace beers.

The Angel

Listening to the soundtrack, which somehow imbedded itself in my mind, I must see Lust, Caution again someday very very soon. If you want to watch with me, let me know. Even if you don't like it as much as I did, you'll know you saw a movie that touched me unexpectedly. And I always find getting that insight into others in interesting. My mother, for example, was inexplicably moved by both The Truman Show and The Talented Mr Ripley, so much so that she went to both several times alone in theatres. I've been to movies alone - it doesn't bother me - but I didn't go to LC alone again after seeing with Rush, and I wish I had. I just...it's awesome. I have to buy it and watch it again.

Is It Worth It? Lemme Work It...

So I can tell it's getting down to the wire, because I'm sitting here in Thieves with a stack of books for my HD paper (aka a panic attack disguised as pages) in front of me, and I'm blogging. Oh boy.

Today was alright, aside from the fact that I now have to work on this godforsaken paper. I went to the gym quite early, had a very tasty lunch with Andy (but no strenuous chewing!), enjoyed a good discussion in class, and received numerous heartwarming and hilarious messages from Chris Burns, a college friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. He's managed to somehow, despite living New York City, meet one of Con's best friends from home, and so we conversed about that, and about a few very memorable a cappella moments, and a few other memorable moments that did not involve a cappella but did involve copious amounts of rum and Cruel Intentions. Ah Chris. Ah college. Those were the days. So now I'm thinking about whether or not it's feasible to swing through NYC for a few days this summer to relive the magic that is the Tarsa-Burns tag team. AC, you've never seen me like this!

...school blows. I can see DC next weekend, but I can't think about it without dread. I can see summer in 6 weeks (6 weeks! God I'm fucked) but can't imagine it arriving without 1) failing something, 2) taking at least one incomplete or C) totally losing my mind. Or all three! I have been a triple threat lately, so we shall see.

I will now watch the video of Kevin's last 10 ham-filled seconds, then read MoV again, then probably panic so much I can't breathe and have to walk around outside, where I will be murdered, because apparently Madison is like that. Go Becca go.

Take This Sinking Boat and Point it Home

The Once soundtrack is still so awesome.

Pros: I think I have a topic for Shakespeare. I go to DC in a week and a half. It's my birthday soon. It will be 50 tomorrow. I have sweet friends. Tom was born 23 years ago today. Kevin barfed ham this weekend. My gym/new eating is working reasonably well. There are 6 weeks left of school.

Cons: My mouth hurts. I have to write 10 pages of my paper in the next week and a half. I'm about to be a year closer to the grave. It's still not fucking spring yet. Tom and Jamie are far away. I'm getting bored with the gym. There are 6 weeks left to write my three papers, give a presentation and write two more email posts.

It's about an even split. Indian soon is a plus, as is lunch with Andy tomorrow. I'll make it, I think. Just got to take it slow.

And break ends

I miss home. I miss Con. I miss warm weather. I miss a real house.

I did not miss class, winter, messy kitchens or being broke. So imagine my joy on returning to these things!

Sigh. My hope is that by trying to be very focused and productive for the next...eighteen days, I can both make them go by fast and get to a place where I'll feel less panicked about my life and where finishing the semester without incompletes will be possible.

And then I'll go to DC for my birthday and enjoy myself and see Con, and then I'll come back and shut off my soul until May 18th.

Maybe If You'd Slow Down For Me

Watched Once last night. It's great - not what I expected exactly, but definitely worth the praise it's been getting.

And the soundtrack, which I have downloaded, is great.

I'm 16, Driving South From Baltimore

Today, I miss Jamie and Tom so much. It makes me so sad that they're so far away, and that we'll see so little of each other for the foreseeable future. Someone asked me today to think about the people in my life that I would say love me unconditionally; I said that my family did, and they asked if there was anyone else. I was about to say no, and then I had to amend my statement, because I realized I've basically just folded those two into the "family" category for just that reason - because I know they're there no matter what.

It'll be sweet as hell if they visit this summer. Hijinx ensue! Make a pie chart of shenangigans and Tom-foolery. And Sims.

OMG WTF INTERNETS

Never again will I attempt to watch Lost via streaming. Every possible moment of suspense...that fucking shit freezes right up. GrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRR!

six double vodka tonics, seven limes, a side of mayonaise and fresh ground pepper

Let me tell you, when my brother has a good story, he really knows how to work it.

Can't wait to go home.

*to sleep*

Pros: I think I found an apartment, and am submitting an application tomorrow. I am 80% done editing down my paper for GSA. I went to the gym. I ate honey-walnut cream cheese. 

Cons: I have to take out another loan to pay the deposit for my application. I have no idea how to cut the last 2 necessary pages from my paper. I am here and Con is in DC. It's going to be incredibly cold for the next few days. Jessie lied to me and I am indeed hosting someone for GASP. My head hurts. 

...bedtime. Let's hope I survive this stupid 5-day stretch.

*awakes*

Pros: I had craaaazy dreams last night, which (unless they're scary) is always kind of cool. Last nights ran from total fantasy (being seduced by Jim from the Office) to firmly grounded in reality (signing a lease on a shithole in a freshman dorm out of fear of homelessness). 

Cons: I'm awake. And it's Wednesday. And the rest of my week...oh man. 

Can I go back to sleep now? Please?

Back to Reality

...I miss DC so much. For the weather, for the lack of work I felt obligated to do there, for its general awesomeness.

But mostly because Con is there. It's very hard that 15 hours ago we were together and now we are not. It's very hard.

I hope my parents will give me the car to see him over break.

The Constant

Ahhhhhhhhh Lost is SO GOOD. This week A) focused only on characters I like, B) featured Desmond, who rocks and C) had closure AND answered previous questions. Why was Desmond kicked out of the military? Now we know! WTF is up with the Island? Now we know!

Well, we know *something* about it.

What a great episode. Might be one of the best ever. Amazing.

Lost, you do it again.

You Seemed To Be Where I Belong

So I'm finally in DC.

It's been a long time coming, and I'm sure everyone who's been listening to me count down the days is relieved. I started my escape with a painfully delayed bus ride to Chicago; there was a horrible accident ahead of us and we stayed at a standstill on the highway for almost two hours. But I finally made it, and was greeted at Maeve's door by a big smile, a well-decorated apartment and a gorgeous-looking salad of pears, arugula, beets and goat cheese. And pecans. Mmmm. We also had pork chops, potatoes, good wine and a great visit. I need to escape to Chicago to see her more often...it was so nice, even if just for those few hours.

Getting to DC was laborious and fraught with delays, but I made it. I picked up the keys to Con's place just before he left work. I was tired and cranky and generally in a bad mood by that point, but the minute I saw him in his office it was like a 180. I had to wait another 3 hours for him to finish class, but we had a great time that night. A bunch of his friends from school went to an Irish bar, and it was nice to meet them. We spent Saturday lying around lazily, then went out to a fantastic dinner at Montmartre, a cozy and very authentic French restaurant near Eastern Market. We shared a beet and mozzarella salad, then both had the hangar steak with shallots and snow peas, which was incredible. For dessert we shared a berry tart, and the whole meal was accompanied by some truly great French bread. I had suppressed my longing for good bread since coming back,  but now I miss Mie Caline, Parneix and La Baguette Magique all over again. 

Today we did some work, cleaned the house and are about to go do some shopping, eat at Matchbox and see In Bruges. I'm so happy. 

Life is good.

I Took the Polaroid Down in My Room

This is a lame, stupid thing to post after so much silence, but you know what kind of irks me? I was never nor will ever be as tiny as Ellen Page is in Juno (pre-knockup, of course), and it galls me.

On the school front, things progress. It's like running a race where you don't give a shit about what place you come in, you just want to finish the whole thing without any walking. In the end it might have been better done with some sort of walk/sprint combo, but at the time you're committed to the slow jog strategy.

...even my metaphors blow. Oh well, ten days til DC. W00t.

Naturalism in Action

I really, really like Sister Carrie. Is this because I find her creepily relatable? Probably.

This weekend lacked productivity, but it was a lot of fun. So I guess that's ok.

Hmmm

After having like, four people comment on it in three days, I must conclude that perhaps I am not myself lately.

Anyhow. Predicted high of ONE DEGREE on Sunday. That translates roughly to "fuck if I'm leaving the house." Maybe a 20% chance I go to Thieves, but...yeah. I'm stocking up on soda, DVDs and work ethic. (Which one is a joke? Bonus points if you can tell.)

Been looking at lots of pictures from the past few years lately, and it makes me feel old. Although I guess we still have fun...there have been some memorable nights in Madison, after all. I can't wait for it to be nice again...the fact that it's likely I'll leave the state on trips to warmer places THREE TIMES before the weather here approaches palatable is incredibly depressing. 

So far, not a huge fan of Dos Passos. He's still got 300-odd pages to convert me, but it will take some doing.

So many annoying, non-academic tasks to do. It's horrible. I'm tempted to drop out and live in Justin's living room or something, but I know I'd...well, I was going to say I know I'd regret it, but I can't say that in all honesty, so instead I will say that I would surely get tired of sharing one shower with two dudes.

Sent Con's Valentine's gift today. He thinks he knows what it is, which is laughable. He has no idea. I'm curious whether he'll admit to being wrong or not when it arrives; I'm thinking of making him tell one of his roommates what he thinks it is for security. It's sad we won't be together, but I go down there like two weeks later (two weeks and one day, but who's counting?), so it's not so bad. It's funny...this is our third Valentine's Day knowing each other and our second together; I still have vivid memories of the first one, like a month before we started dating, when he was still with his old girlfriend. We spent the day together in a cafe, me writing in my journal while he worked on application essays for something, and then in the evening we saw a movie together. After the movie I waited in the street while he called his girlfriend from a phonebooth, smoking Gauloises and wanting him. When he hung up we wandered from St Michel to Chatelet, talking and sharing cigarettes until time ran out and we had to run to catch our trains home.

...now all I want is a cigarette and my boyfriend. And Paris. But I could live with just the middle one.

Spring better move me to *tears*

This weather is a bit much.

You know, the cold was tolerable for the most part. It wasn't as hard to cope with as I'd feared it would be, and aside from the days when my arch-nemesis, The Wind, was out in full force, I was fine. 

But then...then Madison brought out the last ten days of bullshit. A fire drill in -30 weather, a day that started off at 40 degrees and pleasant, turned to hail and horrible freezing rain, then plummeted to something like 10.  An out-and-out thaw complete with torrential rain, followed by a freeze, resulting in ice-covered sidewalks that were almost impossible to navigate. An *icequake* that registered on the Richter scale. And now this ridiculous snowstorm, which would be tolerable if A) Madison believed in efficient snow removal or B) the University had not been a jackass about canceling classes.

Anyhow.

I've been freaking-out-panicky lately, which blows, but at least I don't have Liquid Death or whatever it is Eric and Marshelle have. I miss Con. I have been going to the gym a shocking amount, and I think it's actually making me stronger (harder, better, etc). School continues to kick my ass.

And I miss my sister. Tons. Get your butt out here, Kit-Kat.

Alone in London

I'm listening to "Alone in Kyoto." I've liked this song for years, but now it has one of the strongest associations of any song I know. Each time I hear it I'm transported back to London, that evening I walked around the city by myself holding my old leather bag and taking it in. I most particularly see this one spot...near the Thames path but not quite on it, a bit past the Tate Modern. It was dark but everything was kind of...glowing. And I just listened to the song over and over again and felt...I felt like I was on the verge of my life, and I also felt incredibly composed inside. Which, considering the circumstances, is kind of remarkable.

That hour or so, walking through London in the dark after leaving the museum, is one of the best memories I have of last year. Because it's all mine - no one else can claim to have made it too. I was alone, but that's the very thing that made it beautiful.

...and now, after that little interlude, back to Shakespeare. Expect an update sometime soon about my most bizarre dream in awhile, a la Jim and Jamie. It's so hard to choose...my dream life is like Burton meets Gilliam meets The Hills. With some Eli Roth on special occasions.

Brief 2

1) Lost was awesome. And way too short. Like, over in the blink of an eye.

2) I've been tricked into liking a Fergie song. I dug "Fegilicious" if only for its absurdity, but after "Big Girls Don't Cry," aka the song I hated most in 2007, I had sworn to dislike her forever. But through the magic of prouction, "Clumsy" sounds NOTHING like her, and so I was fooled into digging a bit on the song (only a bit), and now I am MAD.

3) I miss Con.

4) I can't have anymore days like this.

A Brief Update

1) It's freezing.

2) I fail at being a good, perhaps even tolerable, grad student.

3) LOST PREMIERE TOMORROW. 24 hours from now it will be half over. And I'm sure my mind will already have been blown repeatedly. 

4) I miss Con.

5) There was a fire drill in HCW this morning. Wind chill outside was -20. I would have died a little inside except I was kept warm by fiery indignation and Bagel Hour coffee.

Those Teenage Hopes

Google is a dangerous thing. Especially when you're armed with several facts and poor judgement. I envy my mother's generation, when rivals remained just first names no matter how much, in moments of weakness, you might wish it otherwise.

On the plus side - I'm definitely in love. 100%. And it's awesome.

Shakespeare today was...noteworthy. Yes. Although I do love Heather already. I know I will never reach that perfect mix of adorableness and intellectual brilliance, but it's a nice model to experience.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. I need to find my act and pull it together.

Yes, I am Behind the Curve

But this video is hilarious.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74

Today was a good day. I went to the gym, I read lots of articles (ie four), I ran errands and I spent an hour coloring. Yes, coloring. I am 6 years old. I blame my sister...she got me into it this summer and today I just had this overwhelming urge to color. All they had at Target was lame coloring books for 6-year-olds, but I mean, this is understandable. If the urge continues, I'll invest in something nicer.

...I'm losing my grip. Anyhow, life is good. I'm easing into school a bit too slowly, but I have great classes, I am so happy to be back with my friends and every time I think about Con I glow. Almost literally. So things aren't really so bad.

Goddesses of Incredibleness

Tina Fey...amazing. I've known this for years, but somehow, tonight, I am utterly in awe. She's funny, intelligent, and super-hot. I aspire to be *one* of these things. She's a marvel, and if some sort of deity or scientist approached me and offered me the chance to switch lives with anyone, I would choose her. Sorry, Tina, for getting stuck with my mediocre grad school existence. At least I have a car and a hot boyfriend.

Also...oh my god, I miss Paris. I miss it more than pretty much anything. Like, to the point where I wonder what the price difference is between my current car and a functional piece of shit, and also how much I could get for my pearls. 

In other news, tonight was very fun, "As You Like It" is a good play, and I don't read nearly enough to feel like a good grad student.

Also...

I can't believe Heath Ledger is dead. 

I have no claim to actual pain at his death, since all I ever did was watch a few of his movies, fantasize after him in Ten Things, and gobble up stills of him as the Joker. But, weirdly, I actually feel something at the news of his death. Which surprised me. He's essentially a stranger, after all. But...maybe it's because the Dark Knight is so close to my heart, but I actually felt something when I found out. And the surprise at that feeling just amplifies it.

Rest in Peace, Heath. I hope what they needed from you in post-production wasn't enough to compromise the film. And I hope you were man enough to leave a note for your daughter.

Madison All Over Again

I'm back! Today is the first day of the semester, and while I don't have class, I'm trying to get a strong start so I'm holed up in Memorial reading articles for this week's classes. Soon a gym trip will follow, then more reading, then digging my car out of the snow to run errands, then a bedtime of 11:30. 

School is back in session.

I had a phenomenal break, although I won't write about it in detail now...suffice to say I spent some incredible time with my family. It was the first vacation where Kitten and I were really bestest friends, and we talked until late in the night, visited Julio, watched Duck Tales and generally had a blast. I won 120 bucks at a casino while visiting my aunt, and I spent New Year's Eve in DC with Justin and his crew from home, which was loud and busy and drunken and fun.

I spent New Year's Day with Con. Phenomenal. And exciting. And I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Alright, back to my article. While I was feeling really unready to reenter academia after the month out of it, I'm finding that, while I don't *love* reading these things, I am still interested, and the passion I was feeling last term is still there, lurking under the surface, and I know it will be back soon.

It's going to be quite the semester.